Steven and I decide to go to the Natural Bridge National Historic Landmark in, of all places, Natural Bridge, VA, which is less than a 45-minute drive north of Roanoke.
Now here come the lies.
I understand that these attractions just want to draw attention to themselves, and bring business to themselves.
Why wouldn't they?
It's the American way.
I don't believe, however, that it is necessary to lie.
You don't need to tell me false statistics, and give yourself erroneous superlatives like "World's Biggest... World's Best... World's Only..." that are just completely untrue.
Because doing that only exacerbates the massive degree of ignance of which so many people in this world are suffering.
Let me return for a brief moment, if I may, back to the Roanoke Star on Mill Mountain.
Roanoke says their star is "the World's Largest Man-Made Illuminated Star" standing 88½ feet tall.
No one ever told them, I guess, about the Franklin Mountains Star in El Paso, Texas, which spans 459 ft. of a steep slope, making it technically the largest man-made illuminated star.
The only difference is that the El Paso star is plastered to the side of the slope and illuminated by giant floodlights, while the Roanoke star is standing up like the Hollywood sign and lit from within by 2000 feet of neon tubing.
While the Roanoke Star may be a more impressive marvel, it's still not the largest.
Don't call yourself something you're not.
Liar.
That brings us back to the Natural Bridge.
So many lies, so little time.
We wanted to get the full "Natural Bridge experience," so we purchased tickets to all 5 attractions at the Natural Bridge Park, which include:
The Natural Bridge
Natural Bridge Caverns
Wax Museum
Toy Museum
Haunted Monster Museum/Dinosaur Kingdom.
I guess that's technically six attractions, but with the Monster Museum and Dinosaur Kingdom being considered a double-header, you only pay for 5.
That's just the beginning of the lies here, although that one does sort of work in the consumer's favor.
The next lie:
The Natural Bridge Caverns tout themselves as "The Deepest Caverns in the Eastern U.S."
A simple google search will dig up at least a dozen other caverns east of the Mississippi that are deeper, but then when reading on into the Natural Bridge Caverns website, you find out that they actually only claim to be "The Deepest Commercial Caverns in the East."
Preliminary research indicates that that might actually be true.
You know what they say, "A cavern is a cavern is a cavern."
Once you've seen one, you've pretty much seen them all, especially if you've ever been to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, which are, in my humble opinion, one of the most impressive cavern systems in the world.
(See how easy it is to avoid the lie? Just add three simple words, "one of the..." to the beginning of your erroneous superlative, and then it becomes completely subjective.)
Anyway, here's a glimpse of the caverns.
They were neat, but I've seen better.
Here's our guide into the Natural Bridge Caverns. At this point, she's trying to lie to us, and tell us that the caverns are haunted, but later she revealed the science behind the howling female screams we may or may not hear as a product of wind blowing across an entrance, like a really giant person blowing across the top of a gigunda coke bottle.
Here, Guide-Girl tells us that this formation looks like a weeping willow.Maybe, with a really abstract eye, but you're pushing it, honey.
Now let's talk about the actual Natural Bridge.
You can't walk 5 feet on the grounds of the park without coming across a sign that says:
"One of the 7 Natural Wonders of the World"
Really?
You're going to actually claim that?
Let's review the 7 Natural Wonders of the World:
- Mount Everest, Nepal
- Northern/Southern Lights, Alaska/Antarctica
- Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe
- Great Barrier Reef, Australia
- Grand Canyon, Arizona
- Paricutin Volcano, Mexico
- The Harbor, Rio De Janeiro
Oh, what's this, no Natural Bridge? How can that be? Maybe they're on the "Runner-up List" or the "Redheaded Stepchildren 7 Natural Wonders." Let's see:
- Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia
- Iguassu Falls, Brazil/Argentina
- Krakatoa Island, Indonesia
- Mount Fuji, Japan
- Mount Kilimanjaro, Tanzania
- Niagara Falls
- Angel Falls, Venezuela
In fact, the Natural Bridge is not even the only Natural Bridge in America.
There's one in Alabama, and there's also one in Texas, and there are probably more.
Big, fat, hairy, boil-infested, goiterrific, leprous LIARS!
Okay. All bridge-slamming aside, the Natural Bridge of Virginia really is an amazing phenomenon.
Over 100 Million Years Old215 Feet Tall
90 Feet Wide
Nestled between the Blue Ridge and Alleghany Mountain ranges in the Southern Shenandoah Valley, Natural Bridge provides a unique, historic, picturesque and natural experience.
I lifted this information off of the website.
Notice how it is all factual or subjective opinions.
No lying is involved, and it still makes you want to see it.
More Natural Bridge History:In 1750, young George Washington surveyed the Natural Bridge site for Lord Fairfax. Landmarks remain of the work and on the wall of the bridge where he carved his initials.
On July 5, 1774 just before the American Revolution and writing of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson purchased 157 acres of land including the Natural Bridge from King George III of England for 20 shillings. It has remained privately owned.
Next episode: More Ghetto Fun
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