Gullible's Travels VI: Mountain Pit Stops

Thursday morning.
We get up at the ass-crack of dawn to have one final breakfast/goodbye with the sib, sib-in-law, and the neph.
Too early.
For no reason.
By the time we actually finished getting gassed up and on the road it was about 0930 hrs.
We were hoping to be on the road before 8.
Welcome to traveling with TM.
No matter how hard I try, I'm always late.
For everything.
I've embraced that fact.
Anyway, we begin our southward trek.
Before leaving in the morning, we decided to go an hour or so out of the way and visit Grandfather Mountain in North Carolina, the highest peak in the Blue Ridge Mountains.
While driving through the backwoods, piss-ant towns in the foothills of western North Carolina, we came across Mystery Hill in Blowing Rock, NC.
In doing my research on activities in the area, I remembered seeing information on Mystery Hill.
They claim it is a "mysterious vortex" that alters the state of gravity in the general vicinity.
All that is fancy code for "optical illusion."
At this point my curiosity lies in whether it's a good optical illusion, or a bad one.
I'm entirely familiar with bad optical illusions, as is anyone else who has been to Spook Hill in Lake Wales, FL.
If you haven't been to Spook Hill, they claim an old Indian enchantment on the area created the "mysterious vortex" that makes things "roll uphill."
You're supposed to drive up to a white line, put your car in neutral, and watch as your vehicle magically rolls uphill.
This is the worst piece of crap optical illusion I have ever seen.
There is not one moment where it appears that you are rolling uphill.
You can clearly see that you are traveling downhill the entire time.
But I digress...
We went to Mystery Hill.
As I was speaking to the lady behind the counter, I stealthily took a look around and then proceeded to ask her about the illusion.
She was sticking to her story, though.
"It's a mysterious vortex that toys with the law of gravity."
a little club soda will get that out...LIAR!
Yet another lie. When will the lies stop? *sigh*
I will give credit where credit is due.
It was a very impressive optical illusion.
Check it out:

Look at Steven.

He's so gay that he can't even stand straight.





Drink V8.
Get your body straight.

(Does anyone remember those commercials?)



Amazing! Watch how things roll uphill in the Mystery House.

(Except that if you tilt the angle so that Steven is straight up and down, you can see things are rolling downhill. But hey, it's still a good illusion.)

Now that we're done with that foolishness, it's on to Grandfather Mountain in Linville, NC.

At 5964', Grandfather Mountain is the highest peak in the Blue Ridge Mountains. The other big draws in the park are the animal habitats and the Mile High Swinging Suspension Bridge.
We got to hand feed peanuts to the black bears.
They were so talented that they would catch the peanuts in their mouths, crack them open, eat the nuts, and spit out the shells in about 3 seconds. It was neat to watch.

This cute puppy would wave at you when he wanted you to feed him.
I ask you, is there anything more precious than that?
Well, I don't know, but the otter, deer, and black bear cubs will give them a run for their money.
Then we continued up the mountain to the Mile High Swinging Suspension Bridge. Out of all the places I have traveled to, the only other place I have seen fog roll in so fast was in San Francisco. It was crazy. We went from cloudless sun to complete gray-out fog in about 10-15 minutes. Nutsicles.
The jagged peak of the mountain would be visible, but it is hidden behind the fog on the far side of the bridge.

On a clear day they say you can see the Charlotte skyline, which is about 90 miles away.

Too bad we couldn't have gotten up there half an hour earlier.

The Mile High Swinging Suspension Bridge, at 5305' above sea level, spans a huge gorge on the mountain, and you can actually feel it bouncing and swaying in the wind.

Not for the faint of heart.


From here we continued south and saw on the map a town called "Little Switzerland."

We thought that maybe it would be a quaint little alpine town modeled after "Big Switzerland."

From what we could tell, the only thing remotely Swiss was the twisting, turning, bending, winding road to actually get to Little Switzerland.
Oh, and they had a couple of Swiss flags hanging on the two buildings that comprised the downtown area.
So we stopped in the General Store, which was the only thing open, and it was run by a nice little lesbian. She gave us some tips on where to go for dinner, but at that point we were over it all and decided to head for Asheville.
Larry Marty has mentioned Asheville a few times in his blog.
He loves it, and is considering moving there.
He says it's beautiful and thinks everyone is so friendly.
Our experience was slightly different.
We were just hoping to do a drive-by of the Biltmore, but this was the closest we got to it:
This sign appears in the "Biltmore Village" and states that you are still 3 miles from the actual Biltmore Estate, and the only way you can see it is to pay the $40 admission to get in to the grounds of the estate.
$40 ...a piece! Screw that!
So we went downtown to eat dinner, and as I was making a right hand turn onto a street and immediately pulling into a parking spot on the street, I got nailed by a bicyclist who proceeded to curse me out and insist it was my fault that he hit me.
That was nice.
We ate dinner at a Chinese restaurant on the corner of Redneck Lane and Bakalakadaka Street.
The waitress insisted that the fried tofu appetizer that I ordered was not spicy.
I ate some of it, and my mouth proceeded to burst into flames.
It was one of the most horrible feelings I have ever had. (See previous post: Death By Radish)
It was probably the closest to actual crying I have come since before I died on the inside.
I had to shovel a bowl full of white rice down my throat to curtail the burning.
Other than that the food was good, though.
I just don't like liars who tell me the food isn't spicy when it is.
(And do you see how the lies continue?)
I think she did it on purpose because she sensed the yankee in me, and we all know that all Southerners are still bitter about the Civil War and hate all Yankees.

So we gassed up again and by the time we got on the road to head back to Orlando, it was about 2100 hrs.
We drove all night again because, you know, once wasn't enough.
We did break out the DVD player this time, and watched some Will & Grace, Season 3. Nothing eventful happened on the way back home and we rolled up the driveway and poured ourselves into bed at about 0530 hrs.
We were just as exhausted then as I am now of telling this story, so on that note, I'm going to bed.

Fin

Gullible's Travels V: Still Natural Bridgin' It

Still Wednesday.
Last week, not tomorrow.
Next up on our VIP Passes-to-Everything at the Natural Bridge Park was the Haunted Monster Museum/Dinosaur Kingdom.
What a delightful, craptastic little place!
I imagine this place would be absolutely amazing around Halloween.


Here's me at the entrance to the Haunted Museum.

Then we had to wind our way up a creepy little path made of old, distressed asphalt.

ooooooohhhh...
Here's Steven in the haunted cemetery on the way up to the haunted museum.

Can't you just sense the hair-raising predicament we're about to get into?

Is it just me, or does that headstone look like a penis?
I can't tell if Steven is spooked by the cemetery or excited by the penis-headstone...

Come visit Professor Cline's Haunted Monster Museum, set up in a stone house that was originally called the Stonewall Inn. It was built around 1870 and was used as a hunting lodge and summer mountain retreat until the early 1970's, when the Inn was closed.
At the Haunted Monster Museum you will experience Professor Cline's work displayed haunted house style. Visitor's say it's Bizarre and unique, like Scooby Doo meets the Twilight Zone.

I have to hand it to our tour guide. He was a pretty good actor. It's hard to pull off "creepy, psychotic, redneck, inbred, serial killer, tour guide" without looking like an actor, but he did it pretty well. Plus the giant tattoo of Garfield on his arm was a bonus treat.
When the mom in our tour group was trying to rationalize to her screaming, wailing, hysterical daughter, "How scary can he be with a tattoo of Garfield on his arm?"
His response was, "The arm is not original equipment."
Nice.

Also, little did we know that our "museum experience" was being videotaped for our enjoyment/purchase, because like a real theme park you can't exit without walking by the booth to get suckered in to buying your cheesy video for $10.
I thought, "Hey, why not? We're suckers, and they're starving actors trying to make a buck. Let's buy it!"
And then we even dropped a couple of bucks in the tip bucket, too, on behalf of all actors everywhere trying to enjoy life.

Good times.

Then we went to the Wax Museum.
The Wax Museum is directly adjacent to the main building for the Natural Bridge park.
As we drove up, with the giant "Wax Museum" sign completely visible, Steven asks with a little more than mild irritation in his voice, "Why is that dumb kid swinging on that rope?"


Oh, that's priceless, folks.

It's still funny now, almost a week later.

Only one person in this picture is real.
Two are wax.
Can you tell which is which?

I know, I know, my ass gives it away.

The Wax Museum was neat, but a little Jesus-centric, which I found to be slightly disturbing.
From the website:
"The Natural Bridge Wax Museum features scenes of Virginia and Natural Bridge history where the curtain opens on George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, the Confederacy, all perched on narrated sets."
Why, then, is the largest and most involved exhibit a complete recreation of "The Last Supper"?
Last time I checked, that did not (allegedly) take place in Virginia.
Sounds like another lie to me.

Hey, is this a shrine to me?
...or is it the Natural Bridge Toy Museum?

Unfortunately, it's the Natural Bridge Toy Museum. Basically it looked like Steve Carell's living room in The 40 Year Old Virgin. The shrine to me might have been slightly more exciting.

The only interesting things about it were the early Colonial-era and Victorian-era toys, and the early to mid-20th Century stuff.
Otherwise it was just a reminiscent walk down memory lane, mostly filled with toys from the 80s, 90s, and today.


From here, we walked down the trail to the Natural Bridge, hiked along the Cedar Creek Trail, saw the Saltpetre Cave, the Lost River, and the Lace Falls.
It was all beautiful and amazing and spectacular...yadda yadda yadda, I'm tired of posting pictures right now.
The Monacan Indian village was closed, so then we hiked back to Peppermint Patty and made our way back to Roanoke.

The rest of the evening was spent enjoying pizza and family outside on the back deck, and of course the trip would not have been complete without another game of Cranium™©®.

Next episode: Trek home with mystery and mountains and a lesbian swiss village, oh my!

Gullible's Travels IV: Attractions That Tell You Lies

Wednesday morning.
Steven and I decide to go to the Natural Bridge National Historic Landmark in, of all places, Natural Bridge, VA, which is less than a 45-minute drive north of Roanoke.
Now here come the lies.
I understand that these attractions just want to draw attention to themselves, and bring business to themselves.
Why wouldn't they?
It's the American way.
I don't believe, however, that it is necessary to lie.
You don't need to tell me false statistics, and give yourself erroneous superlatives like "World's Biggest... World's Best... World's Only..." that are just completely untrue.
Because doing that only exacerbates the massive degree of ignance of which so many people in this world are suffering.
Let me return for a brief moment, if I may, back to the Roanoke Star on Mill Mountain.
Roanoke says their star is "the World's Largest Man-Made Illuminated Star" standing 88½ feet tall.
No one ever told them, I guess, about the Franklin Mountains Star in El Paso, Texas, which spans 459 ft. of a steep slope, making it technically the largest man-made illuminated star.
The only difference is that the El Paso star is plastered to the side of the slope and illuminated by giant floodlights, while the Roanoke star is standing up like the Hollywood sign and lit from within by 2000 feet of neon tubing.
While the Roanoke Star may be a more impressive marvel, it's still not the largest.
Don't call yourself something you're not.
Liar.
That brings us back to the Natural Bridge.
So many lies, so little time.
We wanted to get the full "Natural Bridge experience," so we purchased tickets to all 5 attractions at the Natural Bridge Park, which include:
The Natural Bridge
Natural Bridge Caverns
Wax Museum
Toy Museum
Haunted Monster Museum/Dinosaur Kingdom.
I guess that's technically six attractions, but with the Monster Museum and Dinosaur Kingdom being considered a double-header, you only pay for 5.
That's just the beginning of the lies here, although that one does sort of work in the consumer's favor.
The next lie:
The Natural Bridge Caverns tout themselves as "The Deepest Caverns in the Eastern U.S."
A simple google search will dig up at least a dozen other caverns east of the Mississippi that are deeper, but then when reading on into the Natural Bridge Caverns website, you find out that they actually only claim to be "The Deepest Commercial Caverns in the East."
Preliminary research indicates that that might actually be true.
You know what they say, "A cavern is a cavern is a cavern."
Once you've seen one, you've pretty much seen them all, especially if you've ever been to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, which are, in my humble opinion, one of the most impressive cavern systems in the world.
(See how easy it is to avoid the lie? Just add three simple words, "one of the..." to the beginning of your erroneous superlative, and then it becomes completely subjective.)
Anyway, here's a glimpse of the caverns.
They were neat, but I've seen better.
Here's our guide into the Natural Bridge Caverns.
At this point, she's trying to lie to us, and tell us that the caverns are haunted, but later she revealed the science behind the howling female screams we may or may not hear as a product of wind blowing across an entrance, like a really giant person blowing across the top of a gigunda coke bottle.


Here, Guide-Girl tells us that this formation looks like a weeping willow.

Maybe, with a really abstract eye, but you're pushing it, honey.

Now let's talk about the actual Natural Bridge.
You can't walk 5 feet on the grounds of the park without coming across a sign that says:
"One of the 7 Natural Wonders of the World"
Really?
You're going to actually claim that?

Let's review the 7 Natural Wonders of the World:

• Mount Everest, Nepal
• Northern/Southern Lights, Alaska/Antarctica
• Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe
• Great Barrier Reef, Australia
• Grand Canyon, Arizona
• Paricutin Volcano, Mexico
• The Harbor, Rio De Janeiro

Oh, what's this, no Natural Bridge? How can that be? Maybe they're on the "Runner-up List" or the "Redheaded Stepchildren 7 Natural Wonders." Let's see:

• Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia
• Iguassu Falls, Brazil/Argentina
• Krakatoa Island, Indonesia
• Mount Fuji, Japan
• Mount Kilimanjaro, Tanzania
• Niagara Falls
• Angel Falls, Venezuela

The Natural Bridge is not even in the top 14 Natural Wonders.
In fact, the Natural Bridge is not even the only Natural Bridge in America.
There's one in Alabama, and there's also one in Texas, and there are probably more.
Big, fat, hairy, boil-infested, goiterrific, leprous LIARS!
Okay. All bridge-slamming aside, the Natural Bridge of Virginia really is an amazing phenomenon.

Over 100 Million Years Old
215 Feet Tall
90 Feet Wide
Nestled between the Blue Ridge and Alleghany Mountain ranges in the Southern Shenandoah Valley, Natural Bridge provides a unique, historic, picturesque and natural experience.

I lifted this information off of the website.
Notice how it is all factual or subjective opinions.
No lying is involved, and it still makes you want to see it.

More Natural Bridge History:
In 1750, young George Washington surveyed the Natural Bridge site for Lord Fairfax. Landmarks remain of the work and on the wall of the bridge where he carved his initials.

On July 5, 1774 just before the American Revolution and writing of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson purchased 157 acres of land including the Natural Bridge from King George III of England for 20 shillings. It has remained privately owned.

Next episode: More Ghetto Fun

Gullible's Travels III: Roanoke, The City Which Isn't

Picture it:
Tuesday night, the bustling metropolis of Roanoke, Virginia.

Steven and I head downtown for a night on the town.
First, we make another trip up Mill Mountain to see the star and the city skyline at night.
It really is a spectacular sight.
Then we attempt to check out gay-life in Roanoke.
Roanoke has been described as a very progressive city in the South, with a supposedly substantial gay community with lots of gay-related activities.
Tim and Brenda just moved back to Roanoke after a 4½ year stint in Front Royal, in northern Virginia.
Before that, they lived in Roanoke for 11 years, including the time they spent going to school at Roanoke College, where they met.
From my own personal experience, I remembered there being a gay bookstore in the middle of downtown, where one could go to get information on the aforementioned gay-related activities or pride stickers or books or lube or whatever else the modern homosexual might need.
That place doesn't exist anymore.
So they have nothing.
Just two gay bars, one of which is only open Friday through Sunday.
We drove around downtown, and not only were there no people around, but a large majority of the buildings were completely vacant, abandoned, and boarded up.
wtf?
There's one little tiny section of downtown that's chock full of restaurants and breeder-bars, much like Church St. in Orlando, but the rest of downtown was completely dead.
We drove on to another section of town so I could show Steven Tim and Brenda's old house, then we stopped at a Walgreens where I picked up one of the greatest inventions known to man:
Energizer battery charger with rechargeable batteries.
Digital cameras suck the life out of batteries faster than...
...
...something really bad that sucks life out of stuff.
I don't know, but it's a lot.
So not only do we never have to purchase batteries again, but we haven't even had to recharge the first set of batteries that we put in the camera.
Ordinary batteries would take about 20-25 pictures before their untimely death, 30 if you were totally lucky and didn't use the flash or the timer.
This first set of rechargeables has taken about 120 pictures already, and there's still juice left.
Awesome.
Anyway, batteries in hand we trekked back downtown to find the one gay bar that was open on a Tuesday night.
It's fairly well unmarked, so it was pretty difficult to find.
You have to look for the Canada Dry sign that looks like it was painted in 1972, amid the wasteland of abandoned warehouses and factories.
We found it and went inside.
Including the bartender, there were exactly 4 other people in the bar.
They were playing good music, but clearly no one was dancing, not that there was an actual dance floor to dance on.
We eased our way to the bar and I nonchalantly asked the sweet little lesbian bartender, "Hey, what the hell happened to this city? When did it die?"
I was afraid I might offend someone, but she just said, "When you find out, let me know."
I was saddened.
Steven and I ordered a coke and a water.
That order probably kept them in business for another week.
Roanoke needs some revitaliz-gaytion.
They need a Queer Eye for the Straight City.
I feel that someone should step up to the plate.
Just not me.
Someone who lives there needs to turn Roanoke back into the progressive, gay-friendly city that it used to be so that I can be more comfortable when I visit.
Because it's all about me.

So we went back to the house, made plans for the next day's adventures, went to sleep, and dreamed the dreams that dreamers dream in Sleepytimeland.

To be continued...
Next episode: Liars go to hell.

Gullible's Travels II: Ghetto Zoo, Electric Boogaloo

So now it's Tuesday.
Not in real life, but in Storyland.
Steven and I agreed to watch my 5-year-old nephew, Connor, while the parentals were off working for the day.
Because we all know how much I love children.
*ahem*
I hate kids.
But my nephew is cool, most of the time.
He's pretty well behaved, most of the time.
Tim and Brenda are great parents, actually.
Brenda teaches 'tards in elementary school, which means she has the patience of a saint and really great disciplinary skills, and Tim is a social worker with a degree in Psychology and a Master's in Social Work, so if anyone can raise a kid right, these two can.
So we took Connor to the Mill Mountain Zoo.
Mill Mountain is the main attraction in the city of Roanoke.
It's literally right in the middle of the city and rises over 1,000 feet above the heart of downtown.
The main feature of the mountain is that it is topped with a giant man-made star.
The Star, built in 1949, is considered by the city to be the "World's Largest Man-Made Illuminated Star."
The Mill Mountain star stands 88½ feet tall. It uses 2000 feet of neon tubes and 17,500 watts of power, so it puts out a pleasant little hum.
Here are pictures of the star that we took during the day and at night, along with a sweeping panoramic vista of downtown Roanoke and the adjacent countryside and mountains:

Star During the Day

Star at Night

(How come you can say "at night" but you can't say "at day" without sounding retarded?)

Perched on the side of Mill Mountain about 100 yards below the Star is the Mill Mountain Zoo.
This vast mountainside habitat for tens of random animals covers a whopping 3½ acres.
There are literally a total of about 30 animals in this zoo.
And I think I'm being generous.
I'm fairly certain that if my parents were to gather a couple of squirrels, skunks, deer, neighborhood dogs and cats, and other such creatures that could be found in the area, put them in their backyard, and call it the Hayes Zoo; it would pretty much rival the Mill Mountain Zoo.
I'm not complaining; I'm just making an observation.
I thoroughly enjoyed my ghetto-zoo experience, as did Steven and Connor.
The Mill Mountain Zoo actually had a few creatures that I have never seen before, so that alone made it worth every penny of their over-inflated admission charge of $7.25 for adults and $4.50 for children.
Here are some of the nifty animals that we discovered in the Mill Mountain Zoo:


This is a Red Panda.
Red Pandas, also known as Lesser Pandas are not as well known as the larger, black and white, Giant Panda although they share similar habitat and habits. At only 10-15 pounds Red Pandas are agile climbers and spend much of the time in treetops.








You can see here that even though they are first cousins to the Giant Panda, the Red Panda looks more like a cross between a fox and a raccoon.












Speaking of foxes, this is a Kazakhstan Corsac Fox.
Little is known about the wild habits of the Corsac Fox. Corsac Foxes appear to be more social than many fox species but much can be learned about these fascinating animals in zoos. There are very few Corsac Foxes in the care of humans and currently the pair here at Mill Mountain Zoo are the only Corsac Foxes on exhibit on the East Coast of the United States.


Here I am with Connor and a Dwarf Zebu.
Dwarf Zebu are a domesticated cattle species. There are millions of cattle in the world with domesticated cattle being the most abundant large mammal in the world with the exception of man. Zebu cattle are considered sacred in India. Hindu religion teaches that the soul of a human being returns in each cow.
The word "zebu" is derived from the Tibetan word "ceba" which means, "hump". The hump is made of fat and an enlarged muscle. Though it is not the same as a camel's hump, a cow can live off the fat stored in its hump for short periods of time when food is unavailable. The hump is not necessary for zebu survival; however, the hump is thought to be important in attracting a mate.
Dwarf Zebu usually weigh between two and three hundred pounds and can live more than twenty years.
Here I am posing with the Zebu.
I was trying to maneuver him into position, but he wasn't having it. He totally posed for the camera all by himself, and because I speak zebuese here's how our conversation went:
ME: Come here, puppy.
ZEBU: Quit grabbing my hump.
ME: I want to take a picture with you. You're pretty.
ZEBU: I know. And quit grabbing my hump.
ME: But I just want you to look at that camera right over there.
(I try to lift his head towards the camera.)
ZEBU: Okay. Let me do it myself.
So then he totally set his head on the fence, he let me pose with him, and he waited for Steven to take the picture before he went back to standing in his own urine and pushing around the Vietnamese Pot-bellied Pigs.

Before leaving the zoo, we all decided to take the little train ride that they offer around the park. It costs $2 a piece to ride the midget train and it takes about 2½ minutes to make 2 loops around the ghetto zoo, but if you don't ride the train, you don't get to see the Red Wolf or the Sichuan Takin. Both of which are animals that I had not seen before, so I was determined to ride the stupid train.

On our way back to the house, we decided to stop for a quick round of mini golf at Star City Mini Golf, which is just off the highway a couple of miles from the house.
And we were not at all disappointed in keeping with the day's theme of "ghetto activities."
This little rinky-dink attraction seems to have just been haphazardly thrown together on the side of a hill, with virtually no effort whatsoever.
Here's a picture of the 3 of us after completing our round, and notice the miniature replica of the Mill Mountain Star behind us:

Roanoke is very proud of their star.
We all seem to have that look on our faces that says, "Did we just do this?"
Surprisingly enough, the course was actually fairly difficult and much more interesting than it appeared from the side of the road.
Onward we travel to the house for a vegetable soup and grilled cheese dinner.

To be continued...
Next episode: Going Out on a Tuesday Night, or Roanoke: The City That Died.

Gullible's Travels, Part I: I Drove All Night

...to get to Steven.
Now I know how Cyndi Lauper and Celine Dion feel.
There's actually not much to note about the first leg of the trip, other than my own insanity at driving overnight.
As I predicted, I drove 600+ miles to Greensboro, NC.
I left Orlando at about 2330 hrs on Sunday night.
My road trip driving style, especially at night, is to just go.
No stopping.
At all.
Just for gas.
Then you go tinky and get snacks at the gas station.
So I only stopped twice.
The first time in Georgia, the second in a small town called Welcome, NC, doesn't that sound friendly?
I made great time.
I set the cruise control at 7 mph over the speed limit and made it to the Winston-Salem/Greensboro/High Point Piedmont Triad (say that 10 times fast!...is Winston-Salem one city, or two hyphenated? Are they calling 4 cities a triad?) in just about 8 hours, which was a couple of hours faster than I had planned.
I didn't use the DVD player on the way up, because I had a marathon singing session instead, as I so often do on trips such as this.
If I can say nothing else about having taken dozens upon dozens of long-distance road trips in my life, it's that I have exponentially increased my vocal stamina and endurance.
I can full-on sing for 5, 6, 7 hours at a time and still belt high A's and B's.
So I got to Greensboro early and had time to kill waiting for Steven to arrive, so I went to the Greensboro Four Seasons Town Centre Mall. (They like to name things with a lot of words.)
It's a big huge mall on 3 floors.
Neat.
Then I picked up Steven and we drove to Roanoke, stopping in Collinsville, VA, for breakfast at Burger King.
So I guess in Virginia they don't have a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy because the dirty little redneck chirren had their grubby little feet all over the place and not a one of them had a shirt on.
Also, not only do they allow smoking inside, but they don't seem to bother separating or designating different sections for smokers/non-smokers.
That's yucktastic.
So we ate fast, and left quickly.
Then we got to Tim and Brenda's new house, which is lovely, see?
This is the street they live on:

And there's Peppermint Patty in the driveway:

The rest of the day was spent catching up, relaxing, eating food, napping, all the good stuff.

Then to cap off the night, we all played one of the best games known to mankind: Cranium™©®

Could there be anything more fun? I think not. But tomorrow is another day, and new adventures await.

To be continued...

Redneck Road Trip!

I'm on my week-long break between semesters at school, so it's time for a trip!
I will be leaving this evening to drive up to Virginia to visit Tim and Brenda, my brother and sister-in-law.
I'm excited because I've only done one other big, long road trip since before I became a flight attendant 5 years ago.
I used to love getting in my car and driving hundreds of miles, just me and my music.
This will be the first time I take a road trip with my portable DVD player, so if I get tired of singing for 11 hours, I can pop in a movie, or some of my Simpsons or Will & Grace DVDs.
Yay!
Steven had to work today, so I will be driving 650 miles by myself, overnight, picking him up in Greensboro, NC at 0930 hrs tomorrow morning, and then continuing the last 100 miles to Roanoke, VA.
It's been a while since I've been to Roanoke, Star City of the South, since my brother and sister-in-law just moved back there after a 5-year stint in Deliverance Country: Front Royal, VA.
"I like da way you talk, boy. You got a purrty mouth."
Roanoke is a beautiful city in the mountains, and there's actually quite a bit to do there, even though it's in the middle of nowhere.
I will definitely be posting photos from the trip when we get back.

Other big news:
I got my nose pierced!
Yay!
I actually did it last Tuesday, but I wanted to surprise Steven with it, so I didn't want to blog about it until he had a chance to see it.
I've been wanting to do it forever, but none of the jobs I had would allow me to do it.
So now is the perfect time since I'm not currently working.
It's a little stud in my right nostril, and I think it's wicked cute.
No pain, very cheap, easy to take care of, I recommend it to anyone.
I'll post a picture of it when I get back from my trip.
Okay, lady, I love you, buh-bye!

No More Orange

In the midst of tweaking my blog,
(that sounds dirty, doesn't it?)
I have finally figured out how to remove the orange.
It's awesome.
The greening of my blog is finally complete.
Jeffy isn't the only one with a green obsession.

Orange really is a fun word though, isn't it?
I mean, how many words get to be a color and a food?
You can't say, "Hey, I'm going to eat a yellow."
That could be a banana, or a squash, or...
...I don't know...something else that's yellow.
You can eat greens, but they only come plural.
You can't just have a green.
You can have the blues, but you can't eat a blue.
We all know what brown can do for you, but if you eat brown, then you've either got serious issues, or you are intentionally trying to make Jeffy throw up.
So maybe orange is getting the shaft, but I still like green better.

Speaking of all these colors, I have a fun little brain game for everyone:

Look at the chart and say the COLOR that you see, not the word written,
and try to do it as quickly as possible.
YELLOW BLUE ORANGE
BLACK RED GREEN
PURPLE YELLOW RED
ORANGE GREEN BLACK
BLUE RED PURPLE
GREEN BLUE ORANGE
Your right brain tries to say the color but
your left brain insists on reading the word.

Neat, huh?

P.S. - Check out my new link in my "Other Fun Places I Go" section. I discovered a site dedicated to all things Simpsons, including everyone's favorite quotes complete with actual sound clips. Yay!

Spiracle-ly Leaking

This is not a quiz.
Mostly.

List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

oops...I just figured out that I wasn't the one that Alyson meant in being tagged for this, so I guess that makes me a big loser anyway.
I'm not tagging anyone, directly or indirectly. Do it or don't do it. See if I care.

Now, on to the Gayest Song List in All of Existence!
These songs are among the heaviest in rotation in Peppermint Patty:
1. "As Long As You're Mine"; Wicked
2. "Once Upon A Time"; Brooklyn: The Musical
3. "Find Your Grail"; Spamalot
4. "I Wish You Knew"; Mariah Carey The Emancipation of Mimi
5. "Streetsinger"; Brooklyn: The Musical
6. "The Song That Goes Like This"; Spamalot
7. "Defying Gravity"; Wicked
8. "Together"; The Ten Tenors Larger Than Life
9. "Sundance"; The Ten Tenors Larger Than Life
10. "Ein Lied Kann Eine Brücke Sein"; Joy Fleming

If for no other reason, the list alone proves which side my bread is buttered on.
Attention hetero-ladies:
If your man has a song-list similar to that, wears clothes that match, can do your hair, and in general seems like just another one of the girls, he's gay. It may seem like you've found your dream mate, but really you've just found a homo. As a test, wave your punani in his face. If the reaction is equivalent to sprinkling salt on a slug, you have your answer.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by The Bearded Clam restaurant. Try our tuna taco surprise for $3.99 and for a limited time snatch up a free hair pie. Only available while supplies last. Prices may be slightly higher in AK and HI. Offer void in Fairfield County, Tennessee, and elsewhere prohibited by law. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Going Back In To Said Hole

I saw my shadow.
I guess that means we get six more weeks of summer?
Fine by me.

I was worried that if I didn't post on a more regular basis that no one would read my blog, but half of my posts go uncommented anyway, so I decided that I don't care.
I'll write when I feel like it.
I love how everyone is getting so surly all of a sudden.
I love how everyone means "me and M-schwa."
Let's form a union.
We should become Blog-Teamsters.
That gives us the right to be extra-lazy.
Not that I need any help in that department.

I'm not sure that I enjoy the layout of my blog.
It's so white and boring.
Things may be changing a bit in the next couple of days.
We'll see.
If I can summon the motivation.
Not likely.
Fragments are fun.

I had such an awesome time this weekend.
Wet'n'Wild on Saturday with Leslie and the Tally Crew, along with Steven and David, was a blast!
Happy Birthday Leslie!
Steven, who had never been to a water park and tends to be afraid of water, did so well that no one even knew, until just now when I blew his cover.
I was proud, even though he wouldn't go on Bomb-Bay with me.
Then Sunday was ice skating for David's birthday.
Happy Birthday David!
Again, we all had a great time.
I was a little bit disappointed in myself for not being able to do even a slow scratch-spin, but I guess maybe I shouldn't have expected so much, since I hadn't been on the ice at all in about six years and quit training 10 years ago, but still I was hoping it would all come back a little faster. Maybe I need to start training again.
Anyway, again I was proud of Steven since he had only been ice skating once before in his whole life; and not only did he not fall all night, but when I spun with him, he was able to keep his balance...sort of.
Cathy Thompson and Jeffy got some awesome pictures, and they even got a video of Steven and me spinning.
Good times.
Then I had one of my most violent episodes of pain-laughter that I can remember.
It hurt my heart.
It felt like my lungs were going to implode.
Good times.
We were sitting at Be-Nigg'ns enjoying food and Death By Chocolate.
mmmm...Death By Chocolate.
Somehow we got on the topic of funny porn movie names.
That's where you take an actual film name, and make it sound dirty like:
Saving Private Ryan becomes Shaving Ryan's Privates.
Things like that.
Then Kris said: Terms of Enrearment.
That was the funniest thing ever.
I think it was so funny to me because I'm a really visual person.
The images that went blazing through my mind are too hilarious for words.
And we'll just leave it at that.
Here are some fun pictures from Sunday's Ice Capades:


Group 1 features Bob, Kris, Jeffy, David, Sarah, Miller, Steven, and me.












Group 2, starring Sarah, David, Travyson, Jeffy, me, and Steven÷2.











Finally, here's me and David, enacting...something...And in the background there's Cathy Thompson in blue. She's either going, "What are those retards doing?" or "Holy crap! I'm about to fall!"

Coming Out of a Blog Hole

It's been a few days since I've blogged, or even read anyone else's blog.
Sorry guys! (like anyone cares)
I used to always check other people's blogs for updates and make comments on breaks between classes at school.
That is no longer convenient, however, because the computer in my classroom wasn't supposed to have Internet access, and someone finally caught on. Consequently, I don't feel like walking all the way down the hall to the Library just to get on a computer. You may call me lazy. Lazy Schmazy, that's what I always say.

On a much more random note, my Tiny Avenger at school, J-Fern, went to some kind of weird music festival, but she got a bunch of fun PETA stickers. She gave me one.
I love this (thanks J-Fern):

I'm totally putting that on a T-shirt. Tomorrow. You'll see. And thanks to David for removing the advertisement for PETA on the bottom of the sticker. I'm all about supporting PETA, just not on my T-shirt. I'm not a billboard. If PETA wants to pay me, then I'd reconsider. I'd be a billboard for the right price. So if you care for more super-cool PETA info, like pictures of dead, skinned-alive animals and other fun stuff like that, go to: www.peta2.com

It makes me happy that my veggie-friends are increasing in exponential proportions. I used to think I was the only one. Vegetarians unite! We're going to take over the world!

I love being a non-meater, but PETA people are crazy! They're nutsicles! Just ask Margaret Cho. "Karl Lagerfeld is a murderer! Karl Lagerfeld is a murderer!" ..."Wouldn't it be great if Karl Lagerfeld actually WAS a murderer? They'd make him wear the orange jumpsuit! I would call Amensty International myself!"

Speaking of funny women, David and I...are funny women? well, sort of, but more importantly, we were watching a Kathy Griffin special that I DVRed from Bravo. It's the brighthouse™©® version of an ultra-gay cable network, since we don't get that new Logo station, or whatever it's called. Anyway, run, don't walk, to your television and set your DVR to record Kathy Griffin Is ...Not Nicole Kidman. It's, like, good and junk.

I AM Kathy Griffin. She's me. She's totally me. She's me, cranked up about 3 or 4 or 37 notches. She's me, only funny. I just know that from watching her stand-up, we seem to share a like sense of humor and thought process. She says the things that I think all the time. She makes the same observations of people (especially celebrities) that I do. She gets all excited and loud and fast when she starts telling a story, just like me. She takes a 30-second story and turns it into a 20-minute story, just like me. Maybe that's what I'd look like if I got plastic surgery, too? We'll see after I get my plastic surgery, which I'm totally going to do! I can't wait!!

Quiz ALERT

I'm too lazy to create a second blog dedicated to quizzes, but I know that some people are not interested in reading these neverending quizzes, so I decided to compromise. I will only attach a quiz underneath a post I have already made.

That way, everyone is happy. If you don't want to read the quizzes, or participate in the quizzes, stop reading when you see my "Quiz Alert" warning system. This is NOT a test. I repeat, this is NOT a test. This is an actual quiz situation, and will be followed by information. If you want to avoid the information, stop reading now. Thank you.

Now, on to the quiz:
*past*
last book you read: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (that's original, huh?)
last phone number you called: Steven (surprised?)
last show you watched on TV: Big Brother 6
last thing you had to drink: milk
last thing you ate: Oreos™
last time you cried: *crickets rubbing legs together* I'm dead on the inside; I don't cry.
last time you smiled: without laughing? I don't know...see above.
last person you hugged: Steven, when I dropped him off at the airport.
last person you talked to on the phone: hmmm...could it be, Steven?
last thing you smelled: My sense of smell usually either doesn't work at all, or only partially, so the last thing I remember catching a whiff of was the air freshener in the bathroom
last CD that you bought: Anastacia "Heavy on My Heart" single
last song you sang: "The Song That Goes Like This" from Spamalot in the computer room with David
last thing you laughed at: Kathy Griffin on TV

*present*
what's in your cd player: The Ten Tenors "Larger Than Life" in Steven's car, Mariah Carey "The Emancipation of Mimi" in my truck
what time did you wake up today: 0730 hrs for school
current annoyance: everyone and everything, but mostly just stupid people
current longing: money, thinity
favorite article of clothing: None while I'm fat. Ask me again when I lose 20 pounds.
favorite place to be: anywhere hot and tropical and beachy
least favorite place: Texas, or anywhere in the "Bible Belt," or near Republicans
do you believe in an afterlife: I believe in afterbirth.
how tall are you: 6'1½" (I used to be 6'2", before my first really bad car wreck.)
current favorite word: cunt
favorite book: I don't have a favorite book. I like Stephen King, Anne Rice, JK Rowling, and Christopher Rice books.
a random lyric: I think I'll try defying gravity.
i may seem: standoffish
but i'm really: standoffish, and criminally insecure
in the morning i: like to have a good breakfast
i like to sleep: sans-clothing
if i could be doing anything right now, i would be: warming up to perform in a sold-out venue
are you a daredevil?: kinda sorta
have you ever told a secret you swore you'd never tell?: not that I can recall
do looks matter?: mine, yes; everyone else's, no
how do you release your anger?: singing, road rage, or revenge; whichever occurs first.
my second home is: on a stage, or in the limelight
money: yes, please
one thing i have that i wish i didn't is: debt
all you need is: universal praise and acceptance
something i want but i don't really need is: my MINI Cooper back
something I need but i don't really want is: a healthier diet

*do you...*
drink?: no ma'am
have a boyfriend?: more like a husband...fiancé? something...but more than a boyfriend...
have a dream that keeps coming back?: I had a recurring dream that I had several tens of times until it actually happened in real life, then I never dreamed it again.
believe there is life on other planets?: yes
read the newspaper?: every once in a blue moon
consider yourself tolerant of others?: not so much...I have a fairly universal disgust with most of mankind.
consider police a friend or foe?: mostly friend, unless they're bothering me specifically
wear hats? NEVER. I hate hats. They look awful on me.