Thank you for the small starch tubes combined with artificial lactate extract of hooved mammals.
There are so many foods that people take for granted.
Common, everyday, basic staples of the American diet.
Things that normal people eat on a regular basis all the time.
Things that I have either never had, or did not even try once until I reached adulthood.
Things that I have previously mentioned; i.e., radishes, pickles, and eggs.
Things like macaroni and cheese.
I don't remember the exact date, so I can't quite pin down my age the first time I had the elusive mac & cheese, but I do know for a fact that it was within the last 5 years, so that would have made me no younger than 22.
For real.
I always have excuses and reasons for everything.
You might be thinking, "Wait...he's a vegetarian who loves pasta and dairy, wouldn't mac & cheese be, like, his favorite thing ever?"
You might be thinking that.
But you'd be wrong.
You see, you are already aware of my inability to eat spicy foods, but I also have a distinct dislike for foods that are physically hot.
I am the guy that you will see putting ice cubes on a slice of pizza.
Or taking that fresh grilled cheese sandwich off of the stove and sticking it in the freezer for 5 minutes.
You don't need to tell me that I'm weird, because I know that already.
I love Fazoli's for the same reason that most people hate it, because their food has been sitting around for a while and is usually in some state of tepid lukewarmness.
That = yummy to me.
Melty cheese was never appealing to me, other than on a grilled cheese sandwich, and even then I prefer it to be cold.
I still have never eaten nachos with cheese, nor am I interested in eating such.
I'll just take the nachos plain, thanks very much.
Now maybe my aversion to the mac & cheese makes a little more sense.
I did, however, thoroughly enjoy it when I ate it tonight, but I did let it sit for a while to cool off before I dove in, and I can still count in single digits the number of times that I have eaten one of the most common dishes known to American-mankind.
27 July 2005
I Found It!
I totally ganked this picture off of some chick, but I finally found a picture of 2-liter Beth:
I = happy!
I = happy!
26 July 2005
Temporary Quiz Boycott
I discovered by reading M-Schwa's blog (that's my new nickname for Marcie, whether she knows it or not). Actually, as I shoot off into a tangent, I haven't figured out how to make the schwa symbol appear here in blogland. In Microsoft Word, you can make it appear by holding down the [Alt] key and typing 0477 on the 10-key pad, and it shows up in Lucida Sans Unicode font, but none of these blog fonts accept the popular schwa, or upside-down e. I couldn't imagine why. It's ever so useful. More so for me, because then I could just call Marcie "M-'upside-down e symbol'" instead of M-Schwa. It's so much more æsthetically pleasing.
Back to the point:
I discovered by reading M-Schwa's blog this morning that the last quiz I ganked off of Alyson's Quiz Page, is actually a 3-parter. I'm not doing it. I don't want to and you can't make me. And I can't imagine that anyone would actually care that I'm not doing it. I feel like people already know more about me than they need to. I'm not known for my ability to share.
On that note, let me share a story. Lend me your ears. Something else poemy and literarical. Made up words are fun, aren't they?
To be continued...
...right now...
...look down below...
Back to the point:
I discovered by reading M-Schwa's blog this morning that the last quiz I ganked off of Alyson's Quiz Page, is actually a 3-parter. I'm not doing it. I don't want to and you can't make me. And I can't imagine that anyone would actually care that I'm not doing it. I feel like people already know more about me than they need to. I'm not known for my ability to share.
On that note, let me share a story. Lend me your ears. Something else poemy and literarical. Made up words are fun, aren't they?
To be continued...
...right now...
...look down below...
Part Zwei: 3-3-8
Last time, on the TM Show, we left you wondering about the terribly exciting story that was getting ready to unfold. Here it is:
Picture it: Sea World, 2 days ago.
Two homosexuals are sitting on highly uncomfortable metal benches.
Could they not have designed something a little more accommodating?
Something with a back, maybe?
Do the hundreds of dollars that we spend in annual passes not afford us someplace reasonable to sit?
It's like bloody torture for someone with a bad back.
Don't they know that I have been injured in various and sundry automobile accidents?
All I want is to watch some dolphin personification without having to feel like my spine is trying to separate from the rest of my body.
That's not the funny part.
This is:
While waiting for Blue Horizons to start, completely randomly out of the blue Steven looks at me and goes, "1-4-3."
It took me just a few seconds to figure out what the fuck he was talking about. You see, I never owned a beeper, since I'm not a drug dealer, so I never had to relay entire messages in just a couple of digits. For those who might not know, 1-4-3 is beeper code for "I love you." If all you're doing is substituting the digit for the number of letters in the word, 1-4-3 could mean 100 different things:
I hate ham.
I like jam.
A blue car.
A dead yak.
And so on...anything, really, if you set your mind to it.
But the drug lords who proliferated the beeper trade way back in the 1990s decided that 1-4-3 means "I love you."
Awww...how sweet!
So, I looked back at Steven and said, "3-3-8."
Now, because he gets me, it only took him a few seconds to figure out what I meant by 3-3-8.
He asks all meekly, "You are retarded?"
Which is, of course, exactly what I meant.
That's true love, folks, plain and simple.
So, after a good laugh I said, "I love you too, baby."
And we all lived happily ever after.
Fin.
Picture it: Sea World, 2 days ago.
Two homosexuals are sitting on highly uncomfortable metal benches.
Could they not have designed something a little more accommodating?
Something with a back, maybe?
Do the hundreds of dollars that we spend in annual passes not afford us someplace reasonable to sit?
It's like bloody torture for someone with a bad back.
Don't they know that I have been injured in various and sundry automobile accidents?
All I want is to watch some dolphin personification without having to feel like my spine is trying to separate from the rest of my body.
That's not the funny part.
This is:
While waiting for Blue Horizons to start, completely randomly out of the blue Steven looks at me and goes, "1-4-3."
It took me just a few seconds to figure out what the fuck he was talking about. You see, I never owned a beeper, since I'm not a drug dealer, so I never had to relay entire messages in just a couple of digits. For those who might not know, 1-4-3 is beeper code for "I love you." If all you're doing is substituting the digit for the number of letters in the word, 1-4-3 could mean 100 different things:
I hate ham.
I like jam.
A blue car.
A dead yak.
And so on...anything, really, if you set your mind to it.
But the drug lords who proliferated the beeper trade way back in the 1990s decided that 1-4-3 means "I love you."
Awww...how sweet!
So, I looked back at Steven and said, "3-3-8."
Now, because he gets me, it only took him a few seconds to figure out what I meant by 3-3-8.
He asks all meekly, "You are retarded?"
Which is, of course, exactly what I meant.
That's true love, folks, plain and simple.
So, after a good laugh I said, "I love you too, baby."
And we all lived happily ever after.
Fin.
24 July 2005
Parental Discretion Advised?
It's a Sunday evening, so naturally I can be found on the couch in the living room with Steven attached to me in some way like a really odd set of Siamese twins, catching up on the weekend's DVRed shows, and doing my homework last-minute as expected by the Guinness World Record-holder in Procrastination. (that's me!) That was all after a very fun day at Sea World, catching up on the two new shows that have opened since the last time we were there: Blue Horizons (new dolphin spectacular) and Fusion (waterskiing, dancing, and kite kite??? bonanza).
We finally got caught up on every episode of The 4400. They ran a marathon of every episode ever made over July 4th weekend, and we DVRed it all (at the time it was only the 5 episodes of the first season and the 2 or 3 that had already aired of the second season). In case you haven't been watching, it's this great show on the USA network (who knew there would ever be a good show on USA?) about 4400 people who were abducted over a period of 60 years and returned to the same exact place at the same exact time enhanced with supernatural abilities to ensure the future of the human race. It's all so x-filey, sci-fi, and exciting!
Another classic episode of Family Guy followed that. It's just plain funny. If you don't like Family Guy, stop reading my blog right now. Go away. Buh-bye.
Then we scrolled back in time (gotta love DVR, it makes me feel all futuristic and star-trekky) and watched tonight's episode of The Simpsons. I have been a huge fan of Homer and the clan ever since they were just little skits on that Tracy Ullman show, what was it called? You know, that show, starring Tracy Ullman? Anyway, I guess I missed this episode when it aired in the regular season, but before the theme song, we got a black screen. The black screen is never good news. Especially when it's followed by white writing on the black screen and Somber-Announcer reading aloud for the visually impaired:
This show contains discussion of same-sex marriage.
Parental discretion is advised.
What the fuck? Are you kidding? I was highly upset by this. Now there has to be some sort of warning about the topic of same-sex marriage? Because children might be traumatized by cartoons discussing gays getting married? Fuck off FTC, or whoever it was that decided that a gay cartoon character requires a parental discretion warning. The "white man" came to this land nearly 400 years ago, and the Puritanism hasn't rubbed off yet? I think I need to move to Denmark or The Netherlands or Canada or something. Somewhere where I, as a homosexual man, can watch an episode of The Simpsons without being accosted by a parental discretion advisory. I would totally do it, too, if it wasn't for the fact that it is so inhumanly cold in all those places. Why do all the progressive, forward-thinking nations have to be in the frigid North? It's like they have nothing better to do there than to get educated, I guess. Why can't intelligent, liberal-minded people live in tropical locations? I don't get it. I'm going to found a country on a deserted tropical isle. Who wants to come with?
P.S. - During the aforementioned episode of The Simpsons, Mayor Quimby, in a public service announcement, lets everyone know that Springfield is all about the wealthy gays coming to spend their money...er, get married. Go to www.springfieldisforgayloversofmarriage.com; it's a genuine website that they kept up with some stills from the episode. How neat is that?
We finally got caught up on every episode of The 4400. They ran a marathon of every episode ever made over July 4th weekend, and we DVRed it all (at the time it was only the 5 episodes of the first season and the 2 or 3 that had already aired of the second season). In case you haven't been watching, it's this great show on the USA network (who knew there would ever be a good show on USA?) about 4400 people who were abducted over a period of 60 years and returned to the same exact place at the same exact time enhanced with supernatural abilities to ensure the future of the human race. It's all so x-filey, sci-fi, and exciting!
Another classic episode of Family Guy followed that. It's just plain funny. If you don't like Family Guy, stop reading my blog right now. Go away. Buh-bye.
Then we scrolled back in time (gotta love DVR, it makes me feel all futuristic and star-trekky) and watched tonight's episode of The Simpsons. I have been a huge fan of Homer and the clan ever since they were just little skits on that Tracy Ullman show, what was it called? You know, that show, starring Tracy Ullman? Anyway, I guess I missed this episode when it aired in the regular season, but before the theme song, we got a black screen. The black screen is never good news. Especially when it's followed by white writing on the black screen and Somber-Announcer reading aloud for the visually impaired:
This show contains discussion of same-sex marriage.
Parental discretion is advised.
What the fuck? Are you kidding? I was highly upset by this. Now there has to be some sort of warning about the topic of same-sex marriage? Because children might be traumatized by cartoons discussing gays getting married? Fuck off FTC, or whoever it was that decided that a gay cartoon character requires a parental discretion warning. The "white man" came to this land nearly 400 years ago, and the Puritanism hasn't rubbed off yet? I think I need to move to Denmark or The Netherlands or Canada or something. Somewhere where I, as a homosexual man, can watch an episode of The Simpsons without being accosted by a parental discretion advisory. I would totally do it, too, if it wasn't for the fact that it is so inhumanly cold in all those places. Why do all the progressive, forward-thinking nations have to be in the frigid North? It's like they have nothing better to do there than to get educated, I guess. Why can't intelligent, liberal-minded people live in tropical locations? I don't get it. I'm going to found a country on a deserted tropical isle. Who wants to come with?
P.S. - During the aforementioned episode of The Simpsons, Mayor Quimby, in a public service announcement, lets everyone know that Springfield is all about the wealthy gays coming to spend their money...er, get married. Go to www.springfieldisforgayloversofmarriage.com; it's a genuine website that they kept up with some stills from the episode. How neat is that?
22 July 2005
Tiger Beat Quiz
I've decided that rather than saying "I'm not answering this question," it would be smarter to just eliminate the question. So go here for the quiz in its entirety.
FAVORITES:
[An author who had affected you] Stephen King. I love a good scary story.
[What you most like to do on a Sunday] Relax. Spend time with Steven. Hang out with friends. Go to the movies. Go to the beach.
[A monument you would like to view from your bedroom] A sunken pirate ship or a coral reef. How cool would it be to live underwater?
[A taste that makes you melt] mmm...chocolate.
[A hobby that occupies your time] Reading, Movies, TV, addling my brain.
[The film you could watch over and over] I have like 100 of those. Just to name a few: Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Camp, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Clue, the list goes on.
FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR:
[Your approximate annual income] currently, $0
[Something important on your computer desk] pictures of Steven, and all my filing that I haven't been doing
[What you would keep in a safe, if you had one] I'm not sure I would keep anything in a safe. I don't have anything that crucial.
[Things you like to buy] DVDs, books, clothes, furniture and room accents
[If you could afford it at this moment, you would buy] On a grand scale: Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren, base price: $400,000. And that underwater house.
On a smaller, and much more realistic scale: a genuine, steering-wheel-on-the-right British SMART car. And just any old house.
[You collect] books, DVDs, souvenirs from trips taken
[Your strangest possession] My big, fluffy bean bag chair with a back to it that needs to be restuffed...or my kidney-shaped sofa that's sitting in storage.
[Your most expensive possession] My truck.
[Your prized possession] I tend to place a higher value on gifts that I have received from Steven and from Tim and Brenda, my brother and sister-in-law.
[If your house was burning and you only had time to rescue 3 things, they would be] My cats Chloe and George. Everything else is just "stuff" that can be replaced.
(editorial note: Okay. So I cut out an entire section. All the questions in that section were either things I've already discussed, or things I am not comfortable discussing, so moving right along...)
FAMILY:
[Which of your parents do you strongly resemble] I guess I look a little more like Mom than Dad, but it really is a pretty good mix of the two.
[If you didn't know your parents, you would choose these two famous people to take their place] Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.
[Something your parents did that you have never forgiven] My parents never saw me perform in the circus, or in any of the bands I was in in college, or basically in anything entertainment-related since I left home, because they have only visited me twice in 10 years.
[A trait you do not share with your siblings] My green eyes. My sunny disposition.
[Your least favorite relative] I love everyone in my family. I do hold a grudge against one of my mother's brothers, though.
FRIENDS:
[Four traits you look for in a friend] sense of humor, loyalty, honesty, literacy
[The friend you have known for the longest time] Curtis Thompson. 22 years.
[The friends you miss the most] Melinda, Leslie, and Cynthia
[A friend who makes you laugh] David
[A friend you can go to for advice] Leslie
[A friend you may lose soon] Melinda and I seem to have grown apart. It's a shame. She was my best friend for 10 years.
[An acquaintance you would like to make a friend] Alyson. And I would consider Marcie to be a little more than an acquaintance, but would like for us to hang more often.
FAVORITES:
[An author who had affected you] Stephen King. I love a good scary story.
[What you most like to do on a Sunday] Relax. Spend time with Steven. Hang out with friends. Go to the movies. Go to the beach.
[A monument you would like to view from your bedroom] A sunken pirate ship or a coral reef. How cool would it be to live underwater?
[A taste that makes you melt] mmm...chocolate.
[A hobby that occupies your time] Reading, Movies, TV, addling my brain.
[The film you could watch over and over] I have like 100 of those. Just to name a few: Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Camp, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Clue, the list goes on.
FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR:
[Your approximate annual income] currently, $0
[Something important on your computer desk] pictures of Steven, and all my filing that I haven't been doing
[What you would keep in a safe, if you had one] I'm not sure I would keep anything in a safe. I don't have anything that crucial.
[Things you like to buy] DVDs, books, clothes, furniture and room accents
[If you could afford it at this moment, you would buy] On a grand scale: Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren, base price: $400,000. And that underwater house.
On a smaller, and much more realistic scale: a genuine, steering-wheel-on-the-right British SMART car. And just any old house.
[You collect] books, DVDs, souvenirs from trips taken
[Your strangest possession] My big, fluffy bean bag chair with a back to it that needs to be restuffed...or my kidney-shaped sofa that's sitting in storage.
[Your most expensive possession] My truck.
[Your prized possession] I tend to place a higher value on gifts that I have received from Steven and from Tim and Brenda, my brother and sister-in-law.
[If your house was burning and you only had time to rescue 3 things, they would be] My cats Chloe and George. Everything else is just "stuff" that can be replaced.
(editorial note: Okay. So I cut out an entire section. All the questions in that section were either things I've already discussed, or things I am not comfortable discussing, so moving right along...)
FAMILY:
[Which of your parents do you strongly resemble] I guess I look a little more like Mom than Dad, but it really is a pretty good mix of the two.
[If you didn't know your parents, you would choose these two famous people to take their place] Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.
[Something your parents did that you have never forgiven] My parents never saw me perform in the circus, or in any of the bands I was in in college, or basically in anything entertainment-related since I left home, because they have only visited me twice in 10 years.
[A trait you do not share with your siblings] My green eyes. My sunny disposition.
[Your least favorite relative] I love everyone in my family. I do hold a grudge against one of my mother's brothers, though.
FRIENDS:
[Four traits you look for in a friend] sense of humor, loyalty, honesty, literacy
[The friend you have known for the longest time] Curtis Thompson. 22 years.
[The friends you miss the most] Melinda, Leslie, and Cynthia
[A friend who makes you laugh] David
[A friend you can go to for advice] Leslie
[A friend you may lose soon] Melinda and I seem to have grown apart. It's a shame. She was my best friend for 10 years.
[An acquaintance you would like to make a friend] Alyson. And I would consider Marcie to be a little more than an acquaintance, but would like for us to hang more often.
21 July 2005
If You Title Your Title Untitled, Is It Still Untitled?
I like how I've gotten people to argue over whether or not radishes are spicy.
It was a story.
Completely declarative, not interrogative.
Non-fiction.
Comedy? Hopefully? I was just trying to entertain.
I promise that what I felt was real, not a figment of my imagination.
Maybe slightly exaggerated for effect.
As Miller so smartly pointed out this evening:
Guess what wasabi is made from?
(I won't bother answering that question...)
Guess what horseradish is related to?
(...it's not horses!)
But hey, I guess if I had made that connection myself, I wouldn't have eaten the radish.
Nor would I have had heartburn that lasted throughout the evening.
But then I wouldn't have had a funny story to tell, either, so it's all good.
I'll take the pain if it serves to entertain others.
I'm a martyr like that.
I went with David and Miller to see Wedding Crashers at the new Premiere 14 at Fashion Square Mall.
Not bad.
I laughed.
That's all you can ask from a comedy, right?
The new theater is okay.
A theater is a theater is a theater, I guess.
As long as it has stadium seating.
I'm still partial to AMC, though.
I like my MovieWatcher rewards. I just crossed the 800-points mark. Since you only get 2 points per ticket, maximum of 4 points per day, that's a pretty remarkable feat.
Either that, or I'm a big loser with nothing better do.
Hey, I just like going to the movies, is that so wrong?
So, bring on the hurricanes.
If you haven't been paying attention to the weather, Tropical Storm Franklin just formed over the Bahamas and is heading our way right now. Current forecast models project it turning before it hits the coast, but like Jeanne did last year, there's a distinct possibility that it could loop around and come right at us. Keep your eyes out. (Not literally, that would be disturbing, but a wicked cool party trick!) I'm not a fatalist, or a pessimist, but in my educated opinion I don't think we're going to make it through hurricane season without getting hit at least once this year. We'll see. But if you want to bet against me, I'll be happy to take your money, and keep it.
Now I'm off to bed to continue reading the new Harry Potter book, like the rest of the free world.
Not that the rest of the free world is in bed with me, that would get a little bit crowded, but I'm sure I'm only one of millions who are currently reading the book.
And everyone else has finished reading it already.
And why does it have to be the free world?
Like the rest of the world costs money, and it doesn't here?
I wish I lived in the free world, or at least the considerably-less-expensive world.
I can't afford this one.
It was a story.
Completely declarative, not interrogative.
Non-fiction.
Comedy? Hopefully? I was just trying to entertain.
I promise that what I felt was real, not a figment of my imagination.
Maybe slightly exaggerated for effect.
As Miller so smartly pointed out this evening:
Guess what wasabi is made from?
(I won't bother answering that question...)
Guess what horseradish is related to?
(...it's not horses!)
But hey, I guess if I had made that connection myself, I wouldn't have eaten the radish.
Nor would I have had heartburn that lasted throughout the evening.
But then I wouldn't have had a funny story to tell, either, so it's all good.
I'll take the pain if it serves to entertain others.
I'm a martyr like that.
I went with David and Miller to see Wedding Crashers at the new Premiere 14 at Fashion Square Mall.
Not bad.
I laughed.
That's all you can ask from a comedy, right?
The new theater is okay.
A theater is a theater is a theater, I guess.
As long as it has stadium seating.
I'm still partial to AMC, though.
I like my MovieWatcher rewards. I just crossed the 800-points mark. Since you only get 2 points per ticket, maximum of 4 points per day, that's a pretty remarkable feat.
Either that, or I'm a big loser with nothing better do.
Hey, I just like going to the movies, is that so wrong?
So, bring on the hurricanes.
If you haven't been paying attention to the weather, Tropical Storm Franklin just formed over the Bahamas and is heading our way right now. Current forecast models project it turning before it hits the coast, but like Jeanne did last year, there's a distinct possibility that it could loop around and come right at us. Keep your eyes out. (Not literally, that would be disturbing, but a wicked cool party trick!) I'm not a fatalist, or a pessimist, but in my educated opinion I don't think we're going to make it through hurricane season without getting hit at least once this year. We'll see. But if you want to bet against me, I'll be happy to take your money, and keep it.
Now I'm off to bed to continue reading the new Harry Potter book, like the rest of the free world.
Not that the rest of the free world is in bed with me, that would get a little bit crowded, but I'm sure I'm only one of millions who are currently reading the book.
And everyone else has finished reading it already.
And why does it have to be the free world?
Like the rest of the world costs money, and it doesn't here?
I wish I lived in the free world, or at least the considerably-less-expensive world.
I can't afford this one.
20 July 2005
Death By Radish
'Kay, so...
I'm at school this morning, on a break, and Genna, the evil wench who sits two people down from me on the "Cool Kids' Wall" talks about how Erin, my li'l pumpkin who sits betwixt us and is another member of the Kids on the Wall, gave her radishes to snack on.
Radishes?
To snack on?
Huh?
I = confused
Apparently, I had never had a radish before.
That sort of thing happens often to me.
I was 18 the first time I ever ate a pickle.
I was 15 the first time I ever ate an egg, ever.
Seriously! I'm not kidding.
So the evil, horrible Genna gives me a radish.
I think, why not? It's a vegetable, how bad could it be?
I bite into it, and I say, "hmm...interesting...I don't really enjoy this very much, and I don't think I'll be snacking on radi....HOLY CRAP I'M ON FIRE!!!!"
Why the hell would something like that exist in nature?
I don't eat spicy foods. I CAN'T eat spicy foods. It causes me physical pain and burns my mouth. Who the hell enjoys eating shit that burns like a thousand white-hot suns?
The nasty, wicked old Genna knows that I can't eat spicy foods, yet she still allowed me to eat the radish. She said, "It just needs some salt."
Of course, I had no milk handy to soothe my pain, so I drank about a liter of water to try to put out the raging inferno scorching the inside of mouth.
That was not pleasant.
So then I told the wretched, mean-spirited Genna (who from now in perpetuity will be colored brown in my blog because it reminds me of the poo that I wish to fling at her) in my most intimidating voice, "ohhhhhhh...you are SO getting blogged about!" complete with squinty-eyed stares and finger pointing.
I love how that has become a viable threat.
I'm at school this morning, on a break, and Genna, the evil wench who sits two people down from me on the "Cool Kids' Wall" talks about how Erin, my li'l pumpkin who sits betwixt us and is another member of the Kids on the Wall, gave her radishes to snack on.
Radishes?
To snack on?
Huh?
I = confused
Apparently, I had never had a radish before.
That sort of thing happens often to me.
I was 18 the first time I ever ate a pickle.
I was 15 the first time I ever ate an egg, ever.
Seriously! I'm not kidding.
So the evil, horrible Genna gives me a radish.
I think, why not? It's a vegetable, how bad could it be?
I bite into it, and I say, "hmm...interesting...I don't really enjoy this very much, and I don't think I'll be snacking on radi....HOLY CRAP I'M ON FIRE!!!!"
Why the hell would something like that exist in nature?
I don't eat spicy foods. I CAN'T eat spicy foods. It causes me physical pain and burns my mouth. Who the hell enjoys eating shit that burns like a thousand white-hot suns?
The nasty, wicked old Genna knows that I can't eat spicy foods, yet she still allowed me to eat the radish. She said, "It just needs some salt."
Of course, I had no milk handy to soothe my pain, so I drank about a liter of water to try to put out the raging inferno scorching the inside of mouth.
That was not pleasant.
So then I told the wretched, mean-spirited Genna (who from now in perpetuity will be colored brown in my blog because it reminds me of the poo that I wish to fling at her) in my most intimidating voice, "ohhhhhhh...you are SO getting blogged about!" complete with squinty-eyed stares and finger pointing.
I love how that has become a viable threat.
18 July 2005
Do What, With The WHAT?!?!
Okay.
So last night, David was leafing through some of his old comedic writings and he came across one of his little Eileen and Rhonda skits. After a good laugh, I was reminded of something so utterly hilarious that had actually happened in real life.
Okay. Ready? Okay.
So, this one time, at band camp...
Anybody who knows anything about me knows that me and the kitchen are not friends. I don't ever cook. EVER. It's not that I can't cook, but just that I don't want to, because it is not even remotely fun to me in any way. I have this rule: "If it doesn't fit in the toaster, I don't cook it." Period. No discussions. However, one time I told some coworkers that I would make a cake for an office luncheon back when I was working for the temp agency, because they wanted everyone to actually make something, not buy it at Publix™©®. Cut back to me in the kitchen, with David's handy cookbook on the counter. He has a recipe card for this wonderful dessert called a Wowie Cake. Now, while the Wowie Cake is a scrumtrullescent concoction, it is probably the easiest thing on the face of the planet that one can make "from scratch." I'm talking so easy that if you put the ingredients in a room with nothing else in it but an oven and a retarded infant, the cake would probably still get made.
So, things are going along swimmingly at this point. I'm keeping up with the retarded baby.
Now for the twist:
(Andra in the background running around and screaming, "This is bullshit!!")
I've got the like 6 ingredients laid out in front of me and I begin to read the directions:
Trim fat from pork.
Okay...I'll trim the fat from the...WHAT?? PORK?!?!?
I proceed to freak out.
I'm a vegetarian!
What are they trying to do, poison me?
I scream for David to come help.
"Honey, what's this, what's going on here, what is all this business about pork?"
He looks at me like I've got 8 heads (and not in the good way) and says, "Why are you looking at 'Mom's Pork and Beans' recipe?"
Then I was all, "What? ...oh ...nevermind"
Holy crap if we didn't laugh harder than two people have ever laughed in the history of the world. You probably heard it. Wherever you are. I think I popped a lung.
The recipe card was divided in half. The top half of the card was "Wowie Cake," and the bottom half of the card was "Mom's Pork and Beans." I was so excited about actually cooking something that I hadn't bothered to read the whole card.
So, then I made the cake, it was delicioso, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Moral of the story:
If you want to make a Wowie Cake, let the retarded baby do it. I'm sticking to only cooking things that fit in the toaster. It's a good thing I have Steven and he likes to cook. Otherwise, I'd never eat at home.
So last night, David was leafing through some of his old comedic writings and he came across one of his little Eileen and Rhonda skits. After a good laugh, I was reminded of something so utterly hilarious that had actually happened in real life.
Okay. Ready? Okay.
So, this one time, at band camp...
Anybody who knows anything about me knows that me and the kitchen are not friends. I don't ever cook. EVER. It's not that I can't cook, but just that I don't want to, because it is not even remotely fun to me in any way. I have this rule: "If it doesn't fit in the toaster, I don't cook it." Period. No discussions. However, one time I told some coworkers that I would make a cake for an office luncheon back when I was working for the temp agency, because they wanted everyone to actually make something, not buy it at Publix™©®. Cut back to me in the kitchen, with David's handy cookbook on the counter. He has a recipe card for this wonderful dessert called a Wowie Cake. Now, while the Wowie Cake is a scrumtrullescent concoction, it is probably the easiest thing on the face of the planet that one can make "from scratch." I'm talking so easy that if you put the ingredients in a room with nothing else in it but an oven and a retarded infant, the cake would probably still get made.
So, things are going along swimmingly at this point. I'm keeping up with the retarded baby.
Now for the twist:
(Andra in the background running around and screaming, "This is bullshit!!")
I've got the like 6 ingredients laid out in front of me and I begin to read the directions:
Trim fat from pork.
Okay...I'll trim the fat from the...WHAT?? PORK?!?!?
I proceed to freak out.
I'm a vegetarian!
What are they trying to do, poison me?
I scream for David to come help.
"Honey, what's this, what's going on here, what is all this business about pork?"
He looks at me like I've got 8 heads (and not in the good way) and says, "Why are you looking at 'Mom's Pork and Beans' recipe?"
Then I was all, "What? ...oh ...nevermind"
Holy crap if we didn't laugh harder than two people have ever laughed in the history of the world. You probably heard it. Wherever you are. I think I popped a lung.
The recipe card was divided in half. The top half of the card was "Wowie Cake," and the bottom half of the card was "Mom's Pork and Beans." I was so excited about actually cooking something that I hadn't bothered to read the whole card.
So, then I made the cake, it was delicioso, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Moral of the story:
If you want to make a Wowie Cake, let the retarded baby do it. I'm sticking to only cooking things that fit in the toaster. It's a good thing I have Steven and he likes to cook. Otherwise, I'd never eat at home.
15 July 2005
If You Call a Little Quiz a Quizzical, Then What Do You Call a Little Test?
From Alyson, or Quizzie McQuizzerton:
1. Where is your favourite place to be touched? (Try for the less obvious answer...)
in the bedroom
2. If you HAD TO have sex with one of your friends, who would it be?
Why would I have to have sex with one of my friends? When would something like that ever be an issue, or a good idea for that matter? ...I don't think it's a good question at all. Boo to that. I'm not answering it.
3. What is your favourite shape?
Dodecahedron. There aren't enough objects in this world in the form of a dodecahedron. There's nothing like a giant blob with 12 flat planed sides, that's what I always say!
4. The ice cream truck stopped in front of your house. You order ... what?
ice cream! But seriously, I always loved the orange push pops, or anything laden with chocolate.
5. You can have back one toy or item from your childhood. What is it?
My Kermit the Frog big plushy stuffed animal. It was the first gift I ever got from a random stranger. When I was born, my parents' house became too small for 6 people. Rather than moving (my parents have lived in the same house for 40 years, so moving isn't an option), they just added on to the house when I was 3. I would sleep in the very same bedroom that the construction workers were working on, frantically pounding away with their hammers and nails, and wouldn't wake up. I was well-behaved and never cried, and they bought me the Kermit doll as a token of appreciation for not being an annoying bastard baby. I now view it as a symbol of my superhuman ability to sleep like I was dead.
6. If you HAD TO live with a celebrity for a year, who would it be? (Careful - just because they're cute doesn't mean they're not annoying.)
Mariah Carey. Shut up. I don't care what you say about her being crazy or whatever. And just because someone looks like a whore, doesn't mean they are one. And just because her last couple of albums have been substandard, does not in the least detract from the fact that she is a musical and vocal genius. Don't even get me started in reeling off her statistics and records broken, not to mention the couple of Guiness Book records that she holds...
7. What is the second activity of your morning? (I assume the first is the same for most everyone, and I really don't want to hear about that.)
Depending on how late I am, I'm either in the shower, or driving to school.
8. What's on your bedside table?
My Japanese paper lamp, my cell phone charger, a bottle of water, my wallet, ChapStick, eye drops, and various random accessories like my flight attendant wings and pins and my old Disney ID.
9. Everyone has at least one item in their closet they just can't part with. What's yours?
My sage green Structure T-shirt and my FSU Marching Chiefs football jersey from my 1st year in Chiefs: it has the number 12 and says Tastydic on the back...ahh, the memories!
10. Name a vice that you've attempted to give up but just can't.
The only vice I have: chocolate.
1. Where is your favourite place to be touched? (Try for the less obvious answer...)
in the bedroom
2. If you HAD TO have sex with one of your friends, who would it be?
Why would I have to have sex with one of my friends? When would something like that ever be an issue, or a good idea for that matter? ...I don't think it's a good question at all. Boo to that. I'm not answering it.
3. What is your favourite shape?
Dodecahedron. There aren't enough objects in this world in the form of a dodecahedron. There's nothing like a giant blob with 12 flat planed sides, that's what I always say!
4. The ice cream truck stopped in front of your house. You order ... what?
ice cream! But seriously, I always loved the orange push pops, or anything laden with chocolate.
5. You can have back one toy or item from your childhood. What is it?
My Kermit the Frog big plushy stuffed animal. It was the first gift I ever got from a random stranger. When I was born, my parents' house became too small for 6 people. Rather than moving (my parents have lived in the same house for 40 years, so moving isn't an option), they just added on to the house when I was 3. I would sleep in the very same bedroom that the construction workers were working on, frantically pounding away with their hammers and nails, and wouldn't wake up. I was well-behaved and never cried, and they bought me the Kermit doll as a token of appreciation for not being an annoying bastard baby. I now view it as a symbol of my superhuman ability to sleep like I was dead.
6. If you HAD TO live with a celebrity for a year, who would it be? (Careful - just because they're cute doesn't mean they're not annoying.)
Mariah Carey. Shut up. I don't care what you say about her being crazy or whatever. And just because someone looks like a whore, doesn't mean they are one. And just because her last couple of albums have been substandard, does not in the least detract from the fact that she is a musical and vocal genius. Don't even get me started in reeling off her statistics and records broken, not to mention the couple of Guiness Book records that she holds...
7. What is the second activity of your morning? (I assume the first is the same for most everyone, and I really don't want to hear about that.)
Depending on how late I am, I'm either in the shower, or driving to school.
8. What's on your bedside table?
My Japanese paper lamp, my cell phone charger, a bottle of water, my wallet, ChapStick, eye drops, and various random accessories like my flight attendant wings and pins and my old Disney ID.
9. Everyone has at least one item in their closet they just can't part with. What's yours?
My sage green Structure T-shirt and my FSU Marching Chiefs football jersey from my 1st year in Chiefs: it has the number 12 and says Tastydic on the back...ahh, the memories!
10. Name a vice that you've attempted to give up but just can't.
The only vice I have: chocolate.
14 July 2005
I'm Not Jai...
...I'm actually useful!
At least somebody thinks so. It's so rare for me to feel needed, or that someone would come to me for advice in an area of my expertise.
It made me so happy when I got an e-mail from Sarah French this evening asking for advice on flying and which airlines to use.
It's strange how the smallest gestures can affect people.
Sometimes I feel that my ditzy reputation has gotten a bit out of control.
Then I get upset with myself, because most of the time I feed into that particular perception of me on purpose.
Like when I test as Rose Nylund.
Or in the chorus.
I've learned that short of videotaping myself answering trivia questions or taking some sort of aptitude test, when someone gets it in their head that I'm some kind of dimwitted idiot, there's not much I can do to change their opinions.
I'm in the Orlando Gay Chorus. I'm also in a small ensemble of 8 guys called OUTLOUD!
We're in the process of recording a CD of the chorus's music over the next 3 days, but I digress.
All the members of OUTLOUD! have a female nickname, that they earn one way or another when they join the group.
My nickname is Paris-Nicole.
At first I thought it was funny, and accurate, but this has apparently added to the perception of me being a twit.
I earned my nickname by being a spoiled princess and not knowing my way around a kitchen or how to do any kind of ordinary housework and from goofing off and having fun, NOT from being dumb.
There are, however, not a small number of people in this world who will speak to me loudly and slowly like I can't process information normally, like I'm some ignoramus for sobbing out loud.
I've even gotten the whole, "How 'bout you just stand there and look pretty, hmm?"
What can you say when someone talks to you like that?
"Hey guys, I'm smart!" That doesn't work.
How about, "Listen, you freakin' retard, I knew more when I was 5 years old than you will ever learn your entire life!" No...that comes off a little bit cocky...
I guess I should just enjoy the fact that some people don't have very lofty expectations of me, and it's easier to impress that sort of person.
So I guess in that regard, maybe I am a lot like Jai.
He's actually a pretty phenomenal performer, so maybe there are worse people to be compared to.
Here's a picture of me, Steven, and Jai from Queer Eye in New York City:
At least somebody thinks so. It's so rare for me to feel needed, or that someone would come to me for advice in an area of my expertise.
It made me so happy when I got an e-mail from Sarah French this evening asking for advice on flying and which airlines to use.
It's strange how the smallest gestures can affect people.
Sometimes I feel that my ditzy reputation has gotten a bit out of control.
Then I get upset with myself, because most of the time I feed into that particular perception of me on purpose.
Like when I test as Rose Nylund.
Or in the chorus.
I've learned that short of videotaping myself answering trivia questions or taking some sort of aptitude test, when someone gets it in their head that I'm some kind of dimwitted idiot, there's not much I can do to change their opinions.
I'm in the Orlando Gay Chorus. I'm also in a small ensemble of 8 guys called OUTLOUD!
We're in the process of recording a CD of the chorus's music over the next 3 days, but I digress.
All the members of OUTLOUD! have a female nickname, that they earn one way or another when they join the group.
My nickname is Paris-Nicole.
At first I thought it was funny, and accurate, but this has apparently added to the perception of me being a twit.
I earned my nickname by being a spoiled princess and not knowing my way around a kitchen or how to do any kind of ordinary housework and from goofing off and having fun, NOT from being dumb.
There are, however, not a small number of people in this world who will speak to me loudly and slowly like I can't process information normally, like I'm some ignoramus for sobbing out loud.
I've even gotten the whole, "How 'bout you just stand there and look pretty, hmm?"
What can you say when someone talks to you like that?
"Hey guys, I'm smart!" That doesn't work.
How about, "Listen, you freakin' retard, I knew more when I was 5 years old than you will ever learn your entire life!" No...that comes off a little bit cocky...
I guess I should just enjoy the fact that some people don't have very lofty expectations of me, and it's easier to impress that sort of person.
So I guess in that regard, maybe I am a lot like Jai.
He's actually a pretty phenomenal performer, so maybe there are worse people to be compared to.
Here's a picture of me, Steven, and Jai from Queer Eye in New York City:
13 July 2005
Further Proof
I choose to blame my absent-mindedness on having been a flight attendant for 5 years, not my Rose Nylund-ness.
They've done some sort of scientific study that proves that frequent travel across multiple time zones screws with your short-term memory, which I have mentioned in a previous post.
It is really frustrating when I have some sort of clever little anecdote to share with you, the blogging public, but throughout the course of the day I forget it. All I want to do is entertain, and I can't remember what I was trying to say. Maybe it's all that blunt trauma to my head...
What in the hell are people thinking? I often wonder this. If you are in a room full of about 30 or 40 people, and everyone is facing your direction, you must be aware that people are going to be looking at you, whether you are the focus of attention or not. That being said, when you proceed to wipe your nose with the sleeve of your T-shirt, do you consider that to be acceptable behavior? When you then continue by actually picking your nose with the same sleeve of your T-shirt, do you not care that people can see you doing this, and are actually gagging at the sight? I can't imagine that an adult human being functioning in regular society doesn't have enough sense to realize that they are doing something that is seriously disturbing other people who really have nowhere else to turn their eyes, not to mention the "train-wreck effect" that prevents people from turning away from something so horrifying because they are so shocked that they must continue to watch to ensure that what they are seeing is actually happening.
It's actually not the story that I wanted to share this evening, but it works. It is, however, a true story that happened in my presence this morning. The solution is simple. Just have enough class to excuse yourself to the restroom, or the nearest handy box of tissues, and blow your freakin' nose.
Is that too much to ask?
They've done some sort of scientific study that proves that frequent travel across multiple time zones screws with your short-term memory, which I have mentioned in a previous post.
It is really frustrating when I have some sort of clever little anecdote to share with you, the blogging public, but throughout the course of the day I forget it. All I want to do is entertain, and I can't remember what I was trying to say. Maybe it's all that blunt trauma to my head...
What in the hell are people thinking? I often wonder this. If you are in a room full of about 30 or 40 people, and everyone is facing your direction, you must be aware that people are going to be looking at you, whether you are the focus of attention or not. That being said, when you proceed to wipe your nose with the sleeve of your T-shirt, do you consider that to be acceptable behavior? When you then continue by actually picking your nose with the same sleeve of your T-shirt, do you not care that people can see you doing this, and are actually gagging at the sight? I can't imagine that an adult human being functioning in regular society doesn't have enough sense to realize that they are doing something that is seriously disturbing other people who really have nowhere else to turn their eyes, not to mention the "train-wreck effect" that prevents people from turning away from something so horrifying because they are so shocked that they must continue to watch to ensure that what they are seeing is actually happening.
It's actually not the story that I wanted to share this evening, but it works. It is, however, a true story that happened in my presence this morning. The solution is simple. Just have enough class to excuse yourself to the restroom, or the nearest handy box of tissues, and blow your freakin' nose.
Is that too much to ask?
12 July 2005
Only Slightly Behind The Times
It's hard to keep up with all of these quizzes and everything. I'm doing my best!
100 Mostly-Chronologically Honest Things About ME
1. My birthday is November 18, 1977. I share a birthday with Mickey Mouse and Kevin Nealon.
2. I was born with a full head of hair.
3. I had my first haircut at 8 weeks old. I still have the lock of hair from my first haircut in a photo album.
4. I have a birth defect. It's called Poland's Syndrome. I was born without a left pectoral muscle, I'm missing a chunk from my left bicep, and I have a midget left index finger.
5. I didn't realize that Poland's Syndrome had a name until I was 25 years old. No doctor could ever tell me what was wrong with me and none of my family doctors had ever heard of Poland's Syndrome. PS only occurs in 1 in 30,000 births, and only 1 in 10 of those get it on the left side. Essentially that means that only 10,000 people in the U.S. have PS, and only 1,000 of us have it on the left side.
6. I am SUPREMELY self-conscious about my missing boob. So much so that I can remember being 4 years old and walking around with my arms crossed over my chest or never taking my shirt off in the summertime so that no one would be able to see.
7. When I was 6 weeks old, I was rushed to the hospital because I had a lump in my chest. Doctors thought it could have been cancer. My mother smoked while she was pregnant with me. Before they had a chance to do a biopsy, the lump disappeared literally overnight. No one knows how or why or what it actually was.
8. That was the last time I spent the night in a hospital, which is amazing considering all the other accidents and injuries I've had.
9. I got chicken pox when I was 6 months old because my sister and brothers were 10, 10, and 7, and they got it from kids at school. I'm told that I was lucky to have survived it.
10. I only have two visible scars on my face from the chicken pox.
11. I didn't have a first word.
12. I had a first question. I was 8 months old when the first intelligible non-babyspeak thing out of my mouth was the entire question "What did you do?" It was the first thing my father would ask my brothers and sister every day when they got home from school.
13. My parents say that I was 18 months old when I read my first word. They say I was sitting in my car seat in the back of the car, pointed out the window at the sign on the store we were passing and I shouted, "Levitz!"
14. I started reading books when I was 2.
15. My earliest memory is from when I was 2 1/2. I remember sitting on the floor on the orange shag carpet in the living room, a diaper squishing underneath me, my mother (with her Florence-Henderson-business-in-the-front-party-in-the-back-Brady-Bunch-mullet) laying on the couch behind me listening to me as I was reading a Dr. Seuss book.
16. I started taking piano lessons when I was 3, and have always had some innate natural musical ability.
17. I had the first of my five nose-breaks when I was 3 and I fell down the basement stairs.
18. I am naturally platinum blond. Yes, I dye my hair (when it's not shaved). Yes, I dye my eyebrows, too.
19. The carpet does not match the drapes.
20. Most of the time it's hardwood flooring, or at most an area rug. Yes, Will&Grace stole that joke from ME, and I'm bitter about it.
21. I am the only person in my entire family to ever have purely green eyes.
22. I learned how to ice skate when I was 3 on quadruple-blade, strap-on, metal ice shoes.
23. I graduated to double-blade skates when I was 4 and started playing hockey.
24. In true gay fashion, I switched to figure skating when I was 5.
25. I started kindergarten when I was 4.
26. 3 times I was supposed to skip a grade in school, but every time it was shot down because they said I was already too young, and would be bad for me developmentally.
27. I was upset about that when I was kid, but now I agree with the decision, and in fact I wish I had waited to go to college because entering college as a sophomore when I was 17 was absolutely NOT fun, as if I wasn't enough of an outcast already.
28. I started bowling and playing baseball when I was 6.
29. When I was 8 I came in second place in a statewide youth bowling tournament, and was the only person under 13 to be a finalist in the top 10.
30. I learned that I needed glasses at the age of 8 when I could not see the numbers inside the lights at the end of the lanes in the bowling alley.
31. I quit playing the piano when I was 8 and switched to the alto saxophone.
32. I got my first pair of contact lenses when I was 10, because I AM that vain and I probably think this song is about me.
33. I've been wearing contact lenses for 17 years.
34. I was diagnosed as legally blind at the age of 12. My vision has been getting gradually better since I was 20, due to contact lenses reshaping my eyes.
35. I got a job as a paperboy when I was 10. I have always either been a student or steadily employed ever since.
36. I started playing football when I was 10.
37. I was the biggest kid in the school. By a LOT!
38. Some kids thought of me as the class bully until about 7th or 8th grade when everyone else hit their growth spurts and grew past me.
39. My parents made me play every masculine sport known to man and they weren't supportive of the only two sports that I was ever truly interested in, figure skating and gymnastics.
40. When I was a child, in the summer I spent more hours in the water swimming than I spent on dry land.
41. I was a junior lifeguard.
42. I refused to become a senior lifeguard when I was old enough because I didn't want random strangers to see me without a shirt on.
43. I started running track when I was 12.
44. I bought myself a soprano saxophone when I was 11 with paper route money.
45. I played baritone saxophone in my high school jazz band.
46. At the end of my freshman year, I started playing the tuba because the only tuba player in the school was a senior, so they needed a tuba player for the next year. After one lesson with the director, I taught myself how to play, then 7 months later I auditioned and was accepted into the All-New England Music Festival.
47. The tuba was my principal instrument in college.
48. I was a social outcast in high school.
49. I developed anorexia nervosa and bulimia at the ripe old age of 15.
50. I hid it very well from people until I was 20, where at 6'2" I only weighed 135 pounds and had a 27" waist.
51. At the time, I was working at Disney, and the company with the world's largest wardrobe department didn't have any pants that fit me, so they had to make me a pair of 27x36 pants.
52. Thanks to figure skating and Hayes family genes, I've always had a giant ass, even when I was grotesquely skinny.
53. I like my giant ass. It's hard as a rock.
54. I'm the only person I know who has recovered enough from anorexia that I'm actually fat again. (Please refrain from any comments about my current porkiness, I'm still a bit sensitive on the whole topic, maybe I'm not as recovered as I thought.)
55. I love theater.
56. In high school I only did 3 plays and a couple of one-acts because I was too involved in instrumental music and my high school didn't do musicals.
57. I was in a hilariously horrible student-produced teenage soap opera that ran on public access cable called Turning Points.
58. Musically, I have considered myself primarily as a singer for years.
59. Singing was therapy for me in high school. I would never have sung for anyone else because I felt like my voice was the only private thing that I had to myself. I didn't get over that until I was in my 20s, and I'm still very self-conscious about singing in front of people, especially if it's someone that I know well.
60. I became a vegetarian at the age of 16.
61. I am a lacto-ovo vegetarian. (It means I eat dairy and eggs. I don't eat anything that ever had a face or a mother. Please don't get into semantics with me.)
62. I got braces when I was 13. They were clear, because again, I AM that vain. I also convinced the orthodontist to take them off earlier than he was supposed to because I couldn't bear to have them on anymore.
63. I never had to have my wisdom teeth pulled. All 4 grew in mostly straight. I just have a tiny bit of crowding on my bottom teeth.
64. I bought my own first car when I was 16, again with saved up paper route money.
65. I didn't get a license until I was 17, exactly 3 weeks before I graduated from high school, and exactly one year to the day after I bought my car.
66. I was a straight-A student, and would get punished if I brought home anything less on a report card. None of my siblings were held to the same expectations.
67. I went to Florida State University for 3 years. I didn't graduate.
68. I was a double major in music and meteorology with minors in Spanish, math, and physics.
69. I played 4 different instruments in 6 different bands in college.
70. I was in the Flying High Circus for 3 seasons.
71. The 2 acts I did in the circus were Rollerskating and Bicycle Built for 5.
72. I dated my best friend, Melinda, for almost 4 years.
73. I came out to Melinda 7 months before we broke up.
74. I credit some old friends that I don't have much contact with anymore for saving my life. Through a little intervention, these people made me realize what I was doing to myself by not eating, throwing up, etc. and they helped me turn it all around.
75. I was a social outcast in college.
76. I went to the #1 party school in the country, and I don't drink, nor have I ever participated in any sort of herbal or chemical refreshments.
77. I don't believe in altering my state of mind through drugs, whether they're legal or illegal.
78. I moved 26 times in 8 years.
79. The longest I've ever lived in one place since I left home is here with David. At the time of this posting, it stands at 1 year and 8 1/2 months.
80. The second longest was 1 year 3 months when I lived in the worst ghetto of Tallahassee. It was so scary that we wouldn't go outside at night if we could avoid it.
81. I was so poor in my college years that I got a job at a convenience store just so I could eat food while I was at work. I would cut open food when I stocked it, write it off, and eat it.
82. I was so poor that I had to sell my plasma to afford the basics, like groceries and gas for my car.
83. I can't eat spicy food.
84. It may be a psychosomatic response to the fact that when I was about 5 or 6 years old my brother was babysitting me and he thought it would be funny to ask me if I wanted a Pepsi and then get me to drink what was really a bunch of tabasco sauce in a glass of Pepsi. He then proceeded to lock me out of the house so I couldn't call my mother.
85. He feels bad about that to this day, so I hold it over his head whenever I get the chance.
86. I'm getting tired of doing this.
87. I function under the theory that my bones are unbreakable.
88. When I was 18, I was working in the cash office of the Christmas Tree Shops on my summer break. I shut my left middle finger in the door to the safe. The door weighed 800 pounds. I needed 3 stitches and couldn't bend my finger for 2 months, but the bones didn't break. The ER nurse said my finger should have been cleanly cut off.
89. On 12.MAR.1999 I was in a serious car accident. A Ford Ranger blew through a red light at close to 60 mph and T-boned me on the driver's side door of my Hyundai Accent. The firemen at the scene told me I should have been killed based on the location and extent of the damage to my car, but I walked away from the scene. I tore every muscle in my neck and back, and my spine had been compressed so hard that I am approximately 1/2 inch shorter now than I was then, but none of my bones broke. I went through the window of my car, and hit the truck with my head. I have permanent scars on my scalp, but no broken bones.
90. In February of 2002, I was being all Olympical and junk, and while showing off for friends by doing a single axle/double toe loop combination in my living room, I misjudged my spatial obstacle separation on my landing, hit the coffee table on my kick-out and folded over my big toe and stepped on it on my landing foot. I couldn't bend my toe for 2 months, but I didn't break it.
91. In July of 2002, I was at the beach on a layover in San Francisco. I climbed the mountain on the edge of the shore, and while I was walking on the trail on top, I slipped in some gravel. I slid 80 feet down the mountain, then fell off a 30 foot cliff. I severely sprained my shoulder and was in a sling for 3 weeks, but I didn't break my bones.
92. My "achilles heel" is my nose. As I mentioned earlier, it has been broken 5 times.
93. My sense of smell is virtually non-existent.
94. I can never breathe out of my right nostril.
95. I can't chew gum. I have serious TMJ, and gum will lock up my jaw. It's been 10 years since I could chew gum.
96. I used to chew gum compulsively.
97. Steven is my 3rd unofficial husband, and I'm only 27. Aside from my parents, my brother Tim is the only other non-divorcee in my immediate family.
98. I'm the youngest of 4 kids.
99. I became an uncle at the age of 8.
100. I have 6 nephews and nieces currently aged 19, 17, 8, 5, 5, and 3.
100 Mostly-Chronologically Honest Things About ME
1. My birthday is November 18, 1977. I share a birthday with Mickey Mouse and Kevin Nealon.
2. I was born with a full head of hair.
3. I had my first haircut at 8 weeks old. I still have the lock of hair from my first haircut in a photo album.
4. I have a birth defect. It's called Poland's Syndrome. I was born without a left pectoral muscle, I'm missing a chunk from my left bicep, and I have a midget left index finger.
5. I didn't realize that Poland's Syndrome had a name until I was 25 years old. No doctor could ever tell me what was wrong with me and none of my family doctors had ever heard of Poland's Syndrome. PS only occurs in 1 in 30,000 births, and only 1 in 10 of those get it on the left side. Essentially that means that only 10,000 people in the U.S. have PS, and only 1,000 of us have it on the left side.
6. I am SUPREMELY self-conscious about my missing boob. So much so that I can remember being 4 years old and walking around with my arms crossed over my chest or never taking my shirt off in the summertime so that no one would be able to see.
7. When I was 6 weeks old, I was rushed to the hospital because I had a lump in my chest. Doctors thought it could have been cancer. My mother smoked while she was pregnant with me. Before they had a chance to do a biopsy, the lump disappeared literally overnight. No one knows how or why or what it actually was.
8. That was the last time I spent the night in a hospital, which is amazing considering all the other accidents and injuries I've had.
9. I got chicken pox when I was 6 months old because my sister and brothers were 10, 10, and 7, and they got it from kids at school. I'm told that I was lucky to have survived it.
10. I only have two visible scars on my face from the chicken pox.
11. I didn't have a first word.
12. I had a first question. I was 8 months old when the first intelligible non-babyspeak thing out of my mouth was the entire question "What did you do?" It was the first thing my father would ask my brothers and sister every day when they got home from school.
13. My parents say that I was 18 months old when I read my first word. They say I was sitting in my car seat in the back of the car, pointed out the window at the sign on the store we were passing and I shouted, "Levitz!"
14. I started reading books when I was 2.
15. My earliest memory is from when I was 2 1/2. I remember sitting on the floor on the orange shag carpet in the living room, a diaper squishing underneath me, my mother (with her Florence-Henderson-business-in-the-front-party-in-the-back-Brady-Bunch-mullet) laying on the couch behind me listening to me as I was reading a Dr. Seuss book.
16. I started taking piano lessons when I was 3, and have always had some innate natural musical ability.
17. I had the first of my five nose-breaks when I was 3 and I fell down the basement stairs.
18. I am naturally platinum blond. Yes, I dye my hair (when it's not shaved). Yes, I dye my eyebrows, too.
19. The carpet does not match the drapes.
20. Most of the time it's hardwood flooring, or at most an area rug. Yes, Will&Grace stole that joke from ME, and I'm bitter about it.
21. I am the only person in my entire family to ever have purely green eyes.
22. I learned how to ice skate when I was 3 on quadruple-blade, strap-on, metal ice shoes.
23. I graduated to double-blade skates when I was 4 and started playing hockey.
24. In true gay fashion, I switched to figure skating when I was 5.
25. I started kindergarten when I was 4.
26. 3 times I was supposed to skip a grade in school, but every time it was shot down because they said I was already too young, and would be bad for me developmentally.
27. I was upset about that when I was kid, but now I agree with the decision, and in fact I wish I had waited to go to college because entering college as a sophomore when I was 17 was absolutely NOT fun, as if I wasn't enough of an outcast already.
28. I started bowling and playing baseball when I was 6.
29. When I was 8 I came in second place in a statewide youth bowling tournament, and was the only person under 13 to be a finalist in the top 10.
30. I learned that I needed glasses at the age of 8 when I could not see the numbers inside the lights at the end of the lanes in the bowling alley.
31. I quit playing the piano when I was 8 and switched to the alto saxophone.
32. I got my first pair of contact lenses when I was 10, because I AM that vain and I probably think this song is about me.
33. I've been wearing contact lenses for 17 years.
34. I was diagnosed as legally blind at the age of 12. My vision has been getting gradually better since I was 20, due to contact lenses reshaping my eyes.
35. I got a job as a paperboy when I was 10. I have always either been a student or steadily employed ever since.
36. I started playing football when I was 10.
37. I was the biggest kid in the school. By a LOT!
38. Some kids thought of me as the class bully until about 7th or 8th grade when everyone else hit their growth spurts and grew past me.
39. My parents made me play every masculine sport known to man and they weren't supportive of the only two sports that I was ever truly interested in, figure skating and gymnastics.
40. When I was a child, in the summer I spent more hours in the water swimming than I spent on dry land.
41. I was a junior lifeguard.
42. I refused to become a senior lifeguard when I was old enough because I didn't want random strangers to see me without a shirt on.
43. I started running track when I was 12.
44. I bought myself a soprano saxophone when I was 11 with paper route money.
45. I played baritone saxophone in my high school jazz band.
46. At the end of my freshman year, I started playing the tuba because the only tuba player in the school was a senior, so they needed a tuba player for the next year. After one lesson with the director, I taught myself how to play, then 7 months later I auditioned and was accepted into the All-New England Music Festival.
47. The tuba was my principal instrument in college.
48. I was a social outcast in high school.
49. I developed anorexia nervosa and bulimia at the ripe old age of 15.
50. I hid it very well from people until I was 20, where at 6'2" I only weighed 135 pounds and had a 27" waist.
51. At the time, I was working at Disney, and the company with the world's largest wardrobe department didn't have any pants that fit me, so they had to make me a pair of 27x36 pants.
52. Thanks to figure skating and Hayes family genes, I've always had a giant ass, even when I was grotesquely skinny.
53. I like my giant ass. It's hard as a rock.
54. I'm the only person I know who has recovered enough from anorexia that I'm actually fat again. (Please refrain from any comments about my current porkiness, I'm still a bit sensitive on the whole topic, maybe I'm not as recovered as I thought.)
55. I love theater.
56. In high school I only did 3 plays and a couple of one-acts because I was too involved in instrumental music and my high school didn't do musicals.
57. I was in a hilariously horrible student-produced teenage soap opera that ran on public access cable called Turning Points.
58. Musically, I have considered myself primarily as a singer for years.
59. Singing was therapy for me in high school. I would never have sung for anyone else because I felt like my voice was the only private thing that I had to myself. I didn't get over that until I was in my 20s, and I'm still very self-conscious about singing in front of people, especially if it's someone that I know well.
60. I became a vegetarian at the age of 16.
61. I am a lacto-ovo vegetarian. (It means I eat dairy and eggs. I don't eat anything that ever had a face or a mother. Please don't get into semantics with me.)
62. I got braces when I was 13. They were clear, because again, I AM that vain. I also convinced the orthodontist to take them off earlier than he was supposed to because I couldn't bear to have them on anymore.
63. I never had to have my wisdom teeth pulled. All 4 grew in mostly straight. I just have a tiny bit of crowding on my bottom teeth.
64. I bought my own first car when I was 16, again with saved up paper route money.
65. I didn't get a license until I was 17, exactly 3 weeks before I graduated from high school, and exactly one year to the day after I bought my car.
66. I was a straight-A student, and would get punished if I brought home anything less on a report card. None of my siblings were held to the same expectations.
67. I went to Florida State University for 3 years. I didn't graduate.
68. I was a double major in music and meteorology with minors in Spanish, math, and physics.
69. I played 4 different instruments in 6 different bands in college.
70. I was in the Flying High Circus for 3 seasons.
71. The 2 acts I did in the circus were Rollerskating and Bicycle Built for 5.
72. I dated my best friend, Melinda, for almost 4 years.
73. I came out to Melinda 7 months before we broke up.
74. I credit some old friends that I don't have much contact with anymore for saving my life. Through a little intervention, these people made me realize what I was doing to myself by not eating, throwing up, etc. and they helped me turn it all around.
75. I was a social outcast in college.
76. I went to the #1 party school in the country, and I don't drink, nor have I ever participated in any sort of herbal or chemical refreshments.
77. I don't believe in altering my state of mind through drugs, whether they're legal or illegal.
78. I moved 26 times in 8 years.
79. The longest I've ever lived in one place since I left home is here with David. At the time of this posting, it stands at 1 year and 8 1/2 months.
80. The second longest was 1 year 3 months when I lived in the worst ghetto of Tallahassee. It was so scary that we wouldn't go outside at night if we could avoid it.
81. I was so poor in my college years that I got a job at a convenience store just so I could eat food while I was at work. I would cut open food when I stocked it, write it off, and eat it.
82. I was so poor that I had to sell my plasma to afford the basics, like groceries and gas for my car.
83. I can't eat spicy food.
84. It may be a psychosomatic response to the fact that when I was about 5 or 6 years old my brother was babysitting me and he thought it would be funny to ask me if I wanted a Pepsi and then get me to drink what was really a bunch of tabasco sauce in a glass of Pepsi. He then proceeded to lock me out of the house so I couldn't call my mother.
85. He feels bad about that to this day, so I hold it over his head whenever I get the chance.
86. I'm getting tired of doing this.
87. I function under the theory that my bones are unbreakable.
88. When I was 18, I was working in the cash office of the Christmas Tree Shops on my summer break. I shut my left middle finger in the door to the safe. The door weighed 800 pounds. I needed 3 stitches and couldn't bend my finger for 2 months, but the bones didn't break. The ER nurse said my finger should have been cleanly cut off.
89. On 12.MAR.1999 I was in a serious car accident. A Ford Ranger blew through a red light at close to 60 mph and T-boned me on the driver's side door of my Hyundai Accent. The firemen at the scene told me I should have been killed based on the location and extent of the damage to my car, but I walked away from the scene. I tore every muscle in my neck and back, and my spine had been compressed so hard that I am approximately 1/2 inch shorter now than I was then, but none of my bones broke. I went through the window of my car, and hit the truck with my head. I have permanent scars on my scalp, but no broken bones.
90. In February of 2002, I was being all Olympical and junk, and while showing off for friends by doing a single axle/double toe loop combination in my living room, I misjudged my spatial obstacle separation on my landing, hit the coffee table on my kick-out and folded over my big toe and stepped on it on my landing foot. I couldn't bend my toe for 2 months, but I didn't break it.
91. In July of 2002, I was at the beach on a layover in San Francisco. I climbed the mountain on the edge of the shore, and while I was walking on the trail on top, I slipped in some gravel. I slid 80 feet down the mountain, then fell off a 30 foot cliff. I severely sprained my shoulder and was in a sling for 3 weeks, but I didn't break my bones.
92. My "achilles heel" is my nose. As I mentioned earlier, it has been broken 5 times.
93. My sense of smell is virtually non-existent.
94. I can never breathe out of my right nostril.
95. I can't chew gum. I have serious TMJ, and gum will lock up my jaw. It's been 10 years since I could chew gum.
96. I used to chew gum compulsively.
97. Steven is my 3rd unofficial husband, and I'm only 27. Aside from my parents, my brother Tim is the only other non-divorcee in my immediate family.
98. I'm the youngest of 4 kids.
99. I became an uncle at the age of 8.
100. I have 6 nephews and nieces currently aged 19, 17, 8, 5, 5, and 3.
This is a ridiculous amount of information. Now you all know more than anyone could possibly care to know about me. I hope you all feel informed. Good night.
10 July 2005
Maine-ly Desert Vacation
Useless Fact of the Day:
There is a 300 acre desert of glacial silt in the middle of the woods in Freeport, Maine.
A few weeks ago, Steven had mentioned that he had never been to Maine, and that we should go there some time. Right around the same time, my chiropractor took a vacation to Maine, and when she came back she told me that she and her husband went to a place in Freeport where they have a genuine desert, about 3 miles from the LL Bean headquarters store (it is open 24 hrs/day, by the way, which I find to be very funny, because you never know when you might need to get some flannel at 3 o'clock in the morning. It's like Maine's version of the Ron Jon Surf Shop.)
Well, on a whim Steven and I decided we were going to take a little trip up to Maine this weekend and check it out. We flew up to Boston on Thursday, rented a car, drove to my parentals' place in Connecticut, spent the night there and made our trek to Maine the next day. The weather was absolutely wretched. When we left my parents' house on Friday it was just starting to rain, and it rained non-stop the whole 2 hour drive up to Maine. (I love that in New England you can go through 4 states in 2 hours.)
We happened upon some luck as the rain stopped as we were entering Portland. Freeport is only about 20 minutes north of Portland, and it would suck to be trying to explore a desert in the rain.
Anyway, here we are at the Desert of Maine:
And here's my camel toe:
This place was fascinating to me. I'll spare you the history here, but if you care to hear about how this desert came to be, feel free to ask me, and I'll be happy to educate, enlighten, enrich, and entertain.
Here are a couple more shots of the desert:
Then we went back down to Portland and visited the Portland Head Light:
It was beautiful, and we definitely felt very Mainey being there in the cold and fog in the middle of July, but if I had to live somewhere like that, I would kill myself.
Anytime I go somewhere on vacation, I make it a point to get in the water (at least stick my feet in anyway), just so I can say I went in [insert water feature here]. Here's me in the Atlantic Ocean on the coast of Maine, brrrrrr! It's wicked cold!
Then we went and had dinner at this neat restaurant called Eggspectation. It had a great atmosphere, an innovative menu selection (obviously focused on eggs, but pretty all-inclusive with a little bit of everything), and it was pretty inexpensive. So, if you're ever in Portland, go eat at Eggspectation; it's near the Maine Mall right off the highway. It was neat. Then we got Steven some new flight attendant shoes at the Bass outlet, and just as we were getting on the highway to head back to Connecticut, the sky opened up again. We were grateful that we got to spend the whole day without getting wet, but it's frustrating driving 150 miles in a torrential downpour in an Aveo. Boo to that. Damn those remnants of Cindy.
So then we hung with the parentals a little bit yesterday morning, drove back to Boston, visited Deer Island out in the bay, took a couple of pictures of the Boston skyline, and then jumped on a plane and got home late last night.
And that's the end of my story.
There is a 300 acre desert of glacial silt in the middle of the woods in Freeport, Maine.
A few weeks ago, Steven had mentioned that he had never been to Maine, and that we should go there some time. Right around the same time, my chiropractor took a vacation to Maine, and when she came back she told me that she and her husband went to a place in Freeport where they have a genuine desert, about 3 miles from the LL Bean headquarters store (it is open 24 hrs/day, by the way, which I find to be very funny, because you never know when you might need to get some flannel at 3 o'clock in the morning. It's like Maine's version of the Ron Jon Surf Shop.)
Well, on a whim Steven and I decided we were going to take a little trip up to Maine this weekend and check it out. We flew up to Boston on Thursday, rented a car, drove to my parentals' place in Connecticut, spent the night there and made our trek to Maine the next day. The weather was absolutely wretched. When we left my parents' house on Friday it was just starting to rain, and it rained non-stop the whole 2 hour drive up to Maine. (I love that in New England you can go through 4 states in 2 hours.)
We happened upon some luck as the rain stopped as we were entering Portland. Freeport is only about 20 minutes north of Portland, and it would suck to be trying to explore a desert in the rain.
Anyway, here we are at the Desert of Maine:
And here's my camel toe:
This place was fascinating to me. I'll spare you the history here, but if you care to hear about how this desert came to be, feel free to ask me, and I'll be happy to educate, enlighten, enrich, and entertain.
Here are a couple more shots of the desert:
Then we went back down to Portland and visited the Portland Head Light:
It was beautiful, and we definitely felt very Mainey being there in the cold and fog in the middle of July, but if I had to live somewhere like that, I would kill myself.
Anytime I go somewhere on vacation, I make it a point to get in the water (at least stick my feet in anyway), just so I can say I went in [insert water feature here]. Here's me in the Atlantic Ocean on the coast of Maine, brrrrrr! It's wicked cold!
Then we went and had dinner at this neat restaurant called Eggspectation. It had a great atmosphere, an innovative menu selection (obviously focused on eggs, but pretty all-inclusive with a little bit of everything), and it was pretty inexpensive. So, if you're ever in Portland, go eat at Eggspectation; it's near the Maine Mall right off the highway. It was neat. Then we got Steven some new flight attendant shoes at the Bass outlet, and just as we were getting on the highway to head back to Connecticut, the sky opened up again. We were grateful that we got to spend the whole day without getting wet, but it's frustrating driving 150 miles in a torrential downpour in an Aveo. Boo to that. Damn those remnants of Cindy.
So then we hung with the parentals a little bit yesterday morning, drove back to Boston, visited Deer Island out in the bay, took a couple of pictures of the Boston skyline, and then jumped on a plane and got home late last night.
And that's the end of my story.
And The Winner Is...
The votes are in, and by a nearly unanimous vote (with the exception of a write-in or two, thanks Alyson) the winner is:
Peppermint Patty!
So now, whenever I speak of my truck, I will refer to her as Peppermint Patty.
Thanks go out to everyone who acted as the enablers to my indecisivism by participating in my poll.
Peppermint Patty!
So now, whenever I speak of my truck, I will refer to her as Peppermint Patty.
Thanks go out to everyone who acted as the enablers to my indecisivism by participating in my poll.
06 July 2005
A Polack's Poll
I'm conducting an informal poll.
I'm one of those people who always has to have a name for their vehicle, but I haven't officially named my truck yet.
Here's what my truck looks like:
Do I call it:
A) Ellen Degeneres (or just Ellen for short)
-or-
B) Peppermint Patty
I'm so indecisive that I can't make the decision on my own...
it was a bloody miracle for me to narrow it down to just the two choices.
Please let me know what you think. Thanks!
I'm one of those people who always has to have a name for their vehicle, but I haven't officially named my truck yet.
Here's what my truck looks like:
Do I call it:
A) Ellen Degeneres (or just Ellen for short)
-or-
B) Peppermint Patty
I'm so indecisive that I can't make the decision on my own...
it was a bloody miracle for me to narrow it down to just the two choices.
Please let me know what you think. Thanks!
Don't Dream It, BE It
I realize a little more every day that I share some personality traits with my parents. Now, I love my parentals more than my luggage, but I have spent the greater part of my adult life making it a point to be NOTHING like the other members of my family. Dysfunction aplenty in the Hayes household, let me tell you.
The one trait that keeps rearing its ugly head is my quick temper...thanks Dad! :-) I'm ordinarily the happy-go-luckiest of the happy-go-lucky, but it doesn't take much to change that. I guess there's probably a reason why I don't have too many friends, because when I distance myself from people, they are less able to irritate the shit out of me.
Anyway, long story short. Don't be fake. It's annoying. Also, if you know that you're not very bright, please make a valiant effort to refrain from making idiotic statements. Thank you, I appreciate it.
Disclaimer: If I thought that anyone that I spoke ill of was going to read this, I wouldn't bother to write it, so rest assured that whatever I say is not about YOU, generic blog-reader, whomever you might be...
The one trait that keeps rearing its ugly head is my quick temper...thanks Dad! :-) I'm ordinarily the happy-go-luckiest of the happy-go-lucky, but it doesn't take much to change that. I guess there's probably a reason why I don't have too many friends, because when I distance myself from people, they are less able to irritate the shit out of me.
Anyway, long story short. Don't be fake. It's annoying. Also, if you know that you're not very bright, please make a valiant effort to refrain from making idiotic statements. Thank you, I appreciate it.
Disclaimer: If I thought that anyone that I spoke ill of was going to read this, I wouldn't bother to write it, so rest assured that whatever I say is not about YOU, generic blog-reader, whomever you might be...
04 July 2005
Nobody Posts on Weekends or Holidays Anyway
so I'm not actually going to write anything, but I am going to post this, because it's HILARIOUSLY true, and will definitely give you more insight into who I am...I'll highlight the ones that are most important:
You Know You're From Connecticut When... |
You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party. You never went to a bar in high school. You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84. You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm You actually thought that Hartford was big You or someone you know has attended UCONN You drive a JETTA You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place. There is a farm within miles of your house You thought bars were really for people over 21 Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year. You don't have an accent when you talk You have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish. You have deer in your backyard. You didn't drink or do drugs until 10th grade. You still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state..... Your best friend went to Central, Western, Eastern and finally Manchester Community College. Your mom works at Travelers and your dad works at Pratt and Whitney. You go to Riverside at least once a summer Your parents actually care about the Governor, the Patriots coming to Hartford, the lights at Christmas in Hartford & Channel 3 news. You have a UCONN flag outside of your house year round You think New Jersey was a toxic waste dump You hang out at Denny's You think everyone works tobacco in the summer You think Old Lyme is a shore town You've been to Cape Cod You think the Connecticut River is endless The town diner is the only place open after midnight. If anybody asks, you're from just outside of New York. You've never looked at a public bus schedule You go to the diner late night to post party. You think New Haven is the worst ghetto you've ever seen You can proudly tell an outsider about Nutmeg. You weekend either on the Cape or Rhode Island at a summer home You have said... " I'm in a good location... Between both Boston and New York." You have to explain Cow Tipping to people from out of state. When you go to a real city, you sincerely feel bad for every poor / homeless person you see. You get pissed at anyone who doesn't know how to drive in the snow. You still can't find your way in Hartford (except for that bar area near Union Station.) You hold the door open for someone and they don't say "Thank You." You own a golden or a lab (used to...) You don't think you're a yuppie, but the rest of the country does Your mother is the head of the PTA There is absolutely nothing to do in the winter You live twenty minutes form either an Abercrombie & Fitch, J. Crew, or GAP. You sail, or know someone who does. You don't understand why everyone else has not been to Europe. You can't get through the week with out a Coffee Coolata Your family owns more cars than legal drivers You carry your keys on a carabineer, but you don't know how to rock climb. You feel for the homeless, but are not willing to give up the golf course land to develop a homeless shelter. As a child you took horseback riding, golfing, tennis and swimming lessons. You grew up wanting to be a lifeguard The state is so small you know where all the speed traps are You can't understand why people don't understand what your talking about when you refer to a "package" store You went to prep school even though your public schools are awesome People actually wear sweaters around their necks You've never taken public transportation You have at least one friend whose house was built in the 1800's You live in a huge colonial The only overcrowding is of deer in your backyard Your house would cost half as much in any other state Your wardrobe contains at least three pairs of cords and five wool sweaters Half of your friends are from another town because yours is so small At least one of your friends has a sick house right on the water You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Connecticut. |
02 July 2005
3 Many Quizzes, 3 Little Time?
David's Quiz:
Today marks the last day of June and 2005 is officially half over tonight. (or two days ago...I'm trying to catch up...)
1. Has 2005 been better or worse than you expected?
Overall, I'd say it's been a little worse than I expected. In general I'm happy, but more little bumps have been popping up in the road of my life than I thought would.
2. What happened in 2005 that you didn't expect?
I bought a truck (after my life's quest of owning the smallest vehicles possible). It got wrecked (from now on, I WILL expect that whenever I buy a new vehicle). Also took a couple of great trips. I quit flying.
3. What didn't happen in 2005 that you expected to?
I'm farther behind in school than I thought I would be.
4. Did you have goals for 2005? Are you halfway to them yet?
My two main goals for 2005 were to graduate by the end of the year, and to get my six-pack back. I'm not halfway to either, yet.
5. Name three Happies for the year so far.
- going to Panama with Steven (best vacation I ever had...who knew Central America would be so awesome?)
- going to Reno with Steven (got to see The Ten Tenors; Pyramid Lake; the Black Rock Desert; downtown Reno; Virginia City; Carson City; Lake Tahoe; Truckee, CA; and Donner Pass all in two days...rock!)
- bought my truck
6. Name three Icky-Pukeys for the year so far.
- My truck got wrecked 6 weeks after I bought it, and it took almost 6 weeks for me to get it back.
- I'm about 40 wpm behind in school where I thought I would be at this point.
- Being unemployed, sort of; or being employed in two places, but not collecting a paycheck.
7. Since New Year's, are you happier or sadder?
As I said before, I'm pretty happy overall. Nothing that's happened since New Year's has affected my apparent beatitude.
8. Since New Year's, are you thinner or fatter?
Since New Year's, I've maintained my current fatness, or maybe I've lost a couple of insignificant pounds.
9. Since New Year's, are you richer or poorer?
WAY poorer...blech
10. Since New Year's, are you more content or less content with your career?
Ca...reer? What's that?
11. What do you hope to see happen in your life in the next six months?
My short-term goals are the same that I haven't accomplished yet. Get the hell out of school, and get my six-pack back.
12. What do you hope to see happen in the world in the next six months?
I hope to see world peace, an end to global hunger, and a 20%-off sale at Barnes & Noble.
(Sorry, this next question was a later add-on, and some of you didn't get it. You're so speedy!)
13. Have any major lessons-learned, catharses, or Aha!-Moments happened to you this year?
Only when I realized that the mummy wasn't a REAL mummy, but just mean old Mr. Watson in disguise. You see, when he was fired as the curator for the museum, he created the mummy disguise to scare off all the patrons at the grand opening gala of the Egyptian exhibit, where he could steal the priceless relics and put the museum out of business. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for us meddling kids!
Today marks the last day of June and 2005 is officially half over tonight. (or two days ago...I'm trying to catch up...)
1. Has 2005 been better or worse than you expected?
Overall, I'd say it's been a little worse than I expected. In general I'm happy, but more little bumps have been popping up in the road of my life than I thought would.
2. What happened in 2005 that you didn't expect?
I bought a truck (after my life's quest of owning the smallest vehicles possible). It got wrecked (from now on, I WILL expect that whenever I buy a new vehicle). Also took a couple of great trips. I quit flying.
3. What didn't happen in 2005 that you expected to?
I'm farther behind in school than I thought I would be.
4. Did you have goals for 2005? Are you halfway to them yet?
My two main goals for 2005 were to graduate by the end of the year, and to get my six-pack back. I'm not halfway to either, yet.
5. Name three Happies for the year so far.
- going to Panama with Steven (best vacation I ever had...who knew Central America would be so awesome?)
- going to Reno with Steven (got to see The Ten Tenors; Pyramid Lake; the Black Rock Desert; downtown Reno; Virginia City; Carson City; Lake Tahoe; Truckee, CA; and Donner Pass all in two days...rock!)
- bought my truck
6. Name three Icky-Pukeys for the year so far.
- My truck got wrecked 6 weeks after I bought it, and it took almost 6 weeks for me to get it back.
- I'm about 40 wpm behind in school where I thought I would be at this point.
- Being unemployed, sort of; or being employed in two places, but not collecting a paycheck.
7. Since New Year's, are you happier or sadder?
As I said before, I'm pretty happy overall. Nothing that's happened since New Year's has affected my apparent beatitude.
8. Since New Year's, are you thinner or fatter?
Since New Year's, I've maintained my current fatness, or maybe I've lost a couple of insignificant pounds.
9. Since New Year's, are you richer or poorer?
WAY poorer...blech
10. Since New Year's, are you more content or less content with your career?
Ca...reer? What's that?
11. What do you hope to see happen in your life in the next six months?
My short-term goals are the same that I haven't accomplished yet. Get the hell out of school, and get my six-pack back.
12. What do you hope to see happen in the world in the next six months?
I hope to see world peace, an end to global hunger, and a 20%-off sale at Barnes & Noble.
(Sorry, this next question was a later add-on, and some of you didn't get it. You're so speedy!)
13. Have any major lessons-learned, catharses, or Aha!-Moments happened to you this year?
Only when I realized that the mummy wasn't a REAL mummy, but just mean old Mr. Watson in disguise. You see, when he was fired as the curator for the museum, he created the mummy disguise to scare off all the patrons at the grand opening gala of the Egyptian exhibit, where he could steal the priceless relics and put the museum out of business. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for us meddling kids!
01 July 2005
2 Many Quizzes, 2 Little Time 2: Electric Boogaloo
Please take note of the fact that I wrote the first post in this series on 29.Jun. I totally set these last 2 posts up so that I could "electric-boogify" the title on this one, but David beat me to the punch yesterday. I decided that I don't care how derivative and unoriginal it now seems, it's not my fault that David used his mind-reading powers for evil instead of good. I'm still going to do it, if for no other reason than to satisfy myself. Now, on to the quiz!
Most people got this quiz from Jeffy's blog. I, however, went back to the source and snatched it off of Alyson's blog.
Random Questions That Have Nothing To Do With Anything
DO YOU SNORE?
No, but I go into coma mode. My pulse rate drops really low (I'm told into the low-40s, which is really only a step above death.), and my breathing becomes so long, slow, heavy, and loud that it's only slightly less annoying than actual snoring. But hey, I guess that's why I always sleep so well.
ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
Can't help but being both, I'm a Scorpio.
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
To be completely honest, I'm not actually AFRAID of anything. I do have irrational aversions to feet and Republicans. (Maybe my aversion to Republicans isn't so irrational, though.)
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
I suppose I was. Being the youngest of 4 kids, I guess I was pretty spoiled, and I've always been one to keep up with the latest trends, so I had pretty much every kind of toy that every little boy could want. Surprisingly enough, as gay as I am, I was never much for playing with dolls, though I did have a Cabbage Patch Kid.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
I hate it, but I'm hooked. It's not "reality," I'm aware of that, but my inner-voyeur is satisfied by watching all these shows. And I do watch ALL of them.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
No. But I do straw-tricks for other people's enjoyment at restaurants.
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I guess so. I'm not one to toot my own horn. Why don't you tell me?
IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
It never was. Others may call me codependent, but personally I just prefer to have someone to share my life and experiences with.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
That is a very random question. I didn't realize that there were more than one or two options for this question, but my keyboard is white, the one I'm currently typing on is black.
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
All the time, unless I'm showering early in the morning and people are trying to sleep. I=loud.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
No!!! But I've always wanted to...
ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Hmm...I'm EXTREMELY limber, so go with that wherever your mind takes you...
also I guess not everybody knows that I used to be a figure skater and I was in the Circus.
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
I've been to a lot of really great places, and I like different places for different reasons...but if I were to close my eyes and dream of where I'd like to go, it would probably be any tropical locale that has a lot of history and culture to explore and a lot of great beaches to relax on.
IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
At times, but he's no Conan.
CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes ma'am! I was a junior lifeguard when I was a kid, and I taught lessons a couple of times. Basically, as a child, if I wasn't on ice, skating, I was in a pool somewhere.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
No, but I've heard some good things about it, so I sense a Blockbuster visit in my near future.
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE LAYER?
I do, especially after that nasty case of sun poisoning that I got in high school.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOSTIE POP?
178. That's not a joke, it's true. What can I say? I'm a nerd and that's the kind of thing I would do in my free time as a youth. Hey, some kids TP'd houses, I conducted scientific experiments.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Yes. And I can also recite the letters backwards in less than 5 seconds...again, I know...I'm a nerd, whatever...
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Well, if I said no, then people would wonder what I was doing for 5 years when I was a "flight attendant." So, in an attempt to prevent a breach of national security, I will say yes.
ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
No, I'm the youngest of 4 kids.
DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENERS?
I almost never use pencils, but when I do, it would definitely be electric. I'm that lazy.
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I'm a vegetarian. That's like asking the pope about abortion. Please don't get me started.
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Legally, probably not. Ceremoniously, yes...soon.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Republicans and other such stupid people.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU!"
With an exclamation point? I don't know that I ever have, but as a matter of declarative statement, I said it to Steven about 20 minutes ago when we got off the phone.
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?
Ummm...no, and who cares?
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
No. I'm dead on the inside. No emotions. Call me Chandler.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
I love eggs. I like them any way. I don't think I've met an egg I didn't like.
ARE BLONDES DUMB?
I love this answer, too: "No. Stupid people are dumb." But what I will say is, "Stupid people SHOULD be dumb...as in mute!"
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
Dot found her other glove hanging out in the ghetto with the other socks.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
1130 hrs
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
Yes. But only because they don't cater to us vegetarians the way Burger King does. If I want a Big Mac without meat, don't charge me for the whole Big Mac, you bastards!
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Umm...I drive a truck
IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
Are you retarded?
DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
Mmmmm...yeah.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
No.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Chocolate
CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Yes, and I have to frequently to alleviate pain.
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Surprisingly enough, no. If you know me at all, you know that I am prone to be in the most serious of accidents, and always walk away from them.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Once. One or two more times later.
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
YES!!! I'm one of those crazy I-won't-even-take-Tylenol-or-aspirin-because-I-don't-believe-in-altering-my-state-of-mind kind of people. My resolve and willpower are challenged every time I get into another accident, but I don't cave.
ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
TOTALLY!!! Anytime, anywhere, anyplace I can SLEEP!
HOW LOUD DO YOU SNEEZE?
I used to sneeze so loud that I could feel things tearing in my throat. I've been working on fixing that. It's bad for the voice of a singer.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
For the most part. Things haven't quite been heading in the direction I was planning lately, but I'll fix that...
WHO'S BETTER: STONE COLD OR THE ROCK?
I have to say The Rock. He's a good actor, and I go to school with his cousin, and she'll hurt me if I don't say that.
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Everybody is at least a little bit. You'd be surprised at the potential of the human mind. People don't give their brains enough credit.
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
Umm...maybe, in high school, but I've REALLY done my best at blocking out those years, so I don't remember.
CAN YOU SKATE?
I would hope so, otherwise claiming to have been a figure skater and a rollerskater in the circus would just be sad and pathetic.
HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
No, I've only stolen food when I was really poor. (It's all so sad and Les Miserables, but it's true!)
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Camping is fun! But I'm not one of those no-frills campers. I need the electricity and the showers and the air mattresses.
DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
Nope...I think people that snort when they laugh are just making it up for attention.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
In some sense of the word, yes.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
Yes, even though I was raised in a strict Catholic family, I managed to rid myself of that ignorance at an early age.
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Yes, but who cares? My favorite old school dancing party trick to do is the worm. It gets a much better reaction out of people.
DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
I'd like to say no, so no.
IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
It's Florida in July, what do you think? Actually, you show me anywhere in the Northern Hemisphere that's cold in July, and I will NEVER go there.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I'm about to eat cereal and French-toast-flavored toast.
DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Sometimes black on my toes, otherwise only on Halloween.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
Thanks to DVR, I can skip all the commercials except for the longer version of the Megan Mullally M&Ms commercial. That's my favorite commercial on TV right now.
People...please, PLEASE, try to shorten the number of questions in the quizzes. This was WAY too long, but fun...I love ya Alyson, even though I don't know you.
Most people got this quiz from Jeffy's blog. I, however, went back to the source and snatched it off of Alyson's blog.
Random Questions That Have Nothing To Do With Anything
DO YOU SNORE?
No, but I go into coma mode. My pulse rate drops really low (I'm told into the low-40s, which is really only a step above death.), and my breathing becomes so long, slow, heavy, and loud that it's only slightly less annoying than actual snoring. But hey, I guess that's why I always sleep so well.
ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
Can't help but being both, I'm a Scorpio.
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
To be completely honest, I'm not actually AFRAID of anything. I do have irrational aversions to feet and Republicans. (Maybe my aversion to Republicans isn't so irrational, though.)
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
I suppose I was. Being the youngest of 4 kids, I guess I was pretty spoiled, and I've always been one to keep up with the latest trends, so I had pretty much every kind of toy that every little boy could want. Surprisingly enough, as gay as I am, I was never much for playing with dolls, though I did have a Cabbage Patch Kid.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?
I hate it, but I'm hooked. It's not "reality," I'm aware of that, but my inner-voyeur is satisfied by watching all these shows. And I do watch ALL of them.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
No. But I do straw-tricks for other people's enjoyment at restaurants.
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I guess so. I'm not one to toot my own horn. Why don't you tell me?
IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
It never was. Others may call me codependent, but personally I just prefer to have someone to share my life and experiences with.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
That is a very random question. I didn't realize that there were more than one or two options for this question, but my keyboard is white, the one I'm currently typing on is black.
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
All the time, unless I'm showering early in the morning and people are trying to sleep. I=loud.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
No!!! But I've always wanted to...
ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Hmm...I'm EXTREMELY limber, so go with that wherever your mind takes you...
also I guess not everybody knows that I used to be a figure skater and I was in the Circus.
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
I've been to a lot of really great places, and I like different places for different reasons...but if I were to close my eyes and dream of where I'd like to go, it would probably be any tropical locale that has a lot of history and culture to explore and a lot of great beaches to relax on.
IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
At times, but he's no Conan.
CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes ma'am! I was a junior lifeguard when I was a kid, and I taught lessons a couple of times. Basically, as a child, if I wasn't on ice, skating, I was in a pool somewhere.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
No, but I've heard some good things about it, so I sense a Blockbuster visit in my near future.
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE LAYER?
I do, especially after that nasty case of sun poisoning that I got in high school.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOSTIE POP?
178. That's not a joke, it's true. What can I say? I'm a nerd and that's the kind of thing I would do in my free time as a youth. Hey, some kids TP'd houses, I conducted scientific experiments.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Yes. And I can also recite the letters backwards in less than 5 seconds...again, I know...I'm a nerd, whatever...
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Well, if I said no, then people would wonder what I was doing for 5 years when I was a "flight attendant." So, in an attempt to prevent a breach of national security, I will say yes.
ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
No, I'm the youngest of 4 kids.
DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENERS?
I almost never use pencils, but when I do, it would definitely be electric. I'm that lazy.
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I'm a vegetarian. That's like asking the pope about abortion. Please don't get me started.
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Legally, probably not. Ceremoniously, yes...soon.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Republicans and other such stupid people.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU!"
With an exclamation point? I don't know that I ever have, but as a matter of declarative statement, I said it to Steven about 20 minutes ago when we got off the phone.
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?
Ummm...no, and who cares?
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
No. I'm dead on the inside. No emotions. Call me Chandler.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
I love eggs. I like them any way. I don't think I've met an egg I didn't like.
ARE BLONDES DUMB?
I love this answer, too: "No. Stupid people are dumb." But what I will say is, "Stupid people SHOULD be dumb...as in mute!"
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
Dot found her other glove hanging out in the ghetto with the other socks.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
1130 hrs
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
Yes. But only because they don't cater to us vegetarians the way Burger King does. If I want a Big Mac without meat, don't charge me for the whole Big Mac, you bastards!
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Umm...I drive a truck
IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
Are you retarded?
DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
Mmmmm...yeah.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
No.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Chocolate
CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
Yes, and I have to frequently to alleviate pain.
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Surprisingly enough, no. If you know me at all, you know that I am prone to be in the most serious of accidents, and always walk away from them.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Once. One or two more times later.
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
YES!!! I'm one of those crazy I-won't-even-take-Tylenol-or-aspirin-because-I-don't-believe-in-altering-my-state-of-mind kind of people. My resolve and willpower are challenged every time I get into another accident, but I don't cave.
ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
TOTALLY!!! Anytime, anywhere, anyplace I can SLEEP!
HOW LOUD DO YOU SNEEZE?
I used to sneeze so loud that I could feel things tearing in my throat. I've been working on fixing that. It's bad for the voice of a singer.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
For the most part. Things haven't quite been heading in the direction I was planning lately, but I'll fix that...
WHO'S BETTER: STONE COLD OR THE ROCK?
I have to say The Rock. He's a good actor, and I go to school with his cousin, and she'll hurt me if I don't say that.
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Everybody is at least a little bit. You'd be surprised at the potential of the human mind. People don't give their brains enough credit.
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
Umm...maybe, in high school, but I've REALLY done my best at blocking out those years, so I don't remember.
CAN YOU SKATE?
I would hope so, otherwise claiming to have been a figure skater and a rollerskater in the circus would just be sad and pathetic.
HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
No, I've only stolen food when I was really poor. (It's all so sad and Les Miserables, but it's true!)
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Camping is fun! But I'm not one of those no-frills campers. I need the electricity and the showers and the air mattresses.
DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
Nope...I think people that snort when they laugh are just making it up for attention.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
In some sense of the word, yes.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
Yes, even though I was raised in a strict Catholic family, I managed to rid myself of that ignorance at an early age.
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Yes, but who cares? My favorite old school dancing party trick to do is the worm. It gets a much better reaction out of people.
DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
I'd like to say no, so no.
IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
It's Florida in July, what do you think? Actually, you show me anywhere in the Northern Hemisphere that's cold in July, and I will NEVER go there.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I'm about to eat cereal and French-toast-flavored toast.
DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Sometimes black on my toes, otherwise only on Halloween.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
Thanks to DVR, I can skip all the commercials except for the longer version of the Megan Mullally M&Ms commercial. That's my favorite commercial on TV right now.
People...please, PLEASE, try to shorten the number of questions in the quizzes. This was WAY too long, but fun...I love ya Alyson, even though I don't know you.
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