That Which Is Not Your Fault Actually Is

Here's a little story about a girl named Irina.

Irina is 34 years old and is the principal English teacher at my school, the Stenotype Institute. What's interesting about her is that in her early thirties she already has about 18 degrees (only a slight exaggeration), but more importantly, she knows more about the English language than anyone else I know and has only been in this country for 9 years. Irina is from deep in the heart of Russia, and even with her thick Russian accent can blow me or any other of my fellow Grammar Police out of the water with her vast knowledge. She's also a lot of fun to talk to because she's very spiritual-metaphysical-you-can-solve-all-the-world's-problems-with-love-here's-a-smile-and-a-hug-now-let's-hold-hands-and-sing-Kumbaya, but at the same time is very straight-forward and strict in her teaching style and is not afraid to tell it like it is. She also doesn't allow people to make excuses for anything, which I love because like the old saying goes, excuses are like assholes: Everyone's got one, they all stink, and they're great for sex what?

Anyway, I was telling Irina about finally getting my truck back (yay! I finally got my truck back! woo hoo!), and I guess she hadn't heard that I had had yet another accident. As I went on to tell her that this was now the 4th vehicle in a row that I have purchased that was wrecked within 4 months of purchase, she proceeded to tell me that it was my fault. Then I was like, "No way! I have never been at-fault in any accident that I have been involved in!"

Then she was all, "We create our own reality, so whether the accident was your fault or not, it IS your fault because you are attracting these things to you."

So I was all, "Well, I don't want these things to happen to me, so how do I stop it?"

And she was like, "Here. Get this book that I'm reading. It has all the answers you are looking for."

Now, in the style of Steve Miller, I'm going to leave you hanging, because I can't remember the name of the book, or even the author.

I'm telling you, 5 years of being a flight attendant has blown my memory to shreds...they say that all that traveling back and forth over multiple time zones completely eradicates your short-term cheese grater.

So, then we decided to look for funeral plots we really loved, instead of eating tofu. I like peanut butter, can you swim? It's so sad that those teenagers keep getting eaten by sharks, but hey sharks have to eat too, so why not teenagers? They probably deserved it anyway, all smug and forlorn. Doesn't everyone know that sharks are attracted to teen angst?

Love, Dory