It's Not January

February 9, 2006

As I begin to re-enter blogging mode -- yes, that means I'm actually going to start posting again, for anyone who cares or at least pretends to care -- I noticed that I did not post in the month of January, and I would feel wholly incomplete without a January archive link.

So let's pretend that today is Friday the 13th, January 13, 2006, at 6:66 p.m., or in real time: 7:06 p.m.

oooh...

spooky!

Maybe I Lied...

...about being on hiatus.
Apparently I have more to say after I officially declare taking a break from blogging.
I followed the link on David's blog for xmas-mad-lib-fun here
This is a truly unedited first attempt at a letter to Santa:


Santa Claus
North Pole, Earth


Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy.

It really wasn't my fault what happened at David's Office party. It was Melinda who spiked the punch with too much milk. I can't help it if I drank 18 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like Pine Sol.

I thought it was funny when I put Alyson's g-string on my head and danced the Lambada on the bed while singing "All I Want for Xmas is You." I didn't mean to break David's iPod and don't know why David would accuse me of murder.

I don't remember calling Chris's wife a green cow -- even though she looked like one with green eye shadow and blue lipstick!

And when I threw up on Marcie's husband's penis, it was only because I ate too much of that broccoli.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my smart car through my neighbor's bedroom. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a filthy pig and have me arrested for armed robbery!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all disgusting and pukey. And I'm really not to blame for any of this shitty stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!


Sincerely and gaily yours,

Todd-Michael (Really a nice boy!)

P.S. It's only 11 bucks!

I've done a lot of MadLibs in my day, and it's rare for a story to come together like that. Usually you get some funnies, but most of the time you get disjointed nonsensical stuff that just doesn't quite work.
Anyway, that's my holiday cheer!
Happy Ramahanukwanzmastice!

Christmastime for the Jews

I feel the need to come out of hibernation for a brief moment to share what is most certainly the best Xmas song ever written:

On Hiatus

I will blog again.
I'm just taking a break for a little while.
See you then!

When will then be now?

...Soon!

Personality Test

Take this test.

Oh yeah? Quiz This!

Alphabet Quiz Thingy

[A is for age]:
27 (but in 7 days it will be 28!!)
[B is for booze of choice]:
I don't drink alcohol. My booze of choice is milk.
[C is for career]:
Ca-what? I go to ca-school, so I don't feel like ca-working right now.
[D is for your dog's name]:
My last dog was Pepper. I miss my big-fat puppy.
[E is for essential items to bring to a party]:
umm...I don't go to parties. No one invites me unless the party is at my house, in which case it's pretty hard to not get invited.
[F is for favorite song at the moment]:
This is tough to answer for me because I like so many songs for so many different reasons, but I guess right now it's "As Long As You're Mine" from Wicked.
[G is for favorite game]:
Cranium ...whoooooo! Cranium!!! But I also love Scene It, Trivial Pursuit, Scattergories, Balderdash, Taboo, Guesstures, Picture! Picture!, and many, many, many others.
[H is for hometown]:
Vernon, Connecticut
[I is for instruments you play]:
tuba, soprano/alto/tenor/baritone saxophones, trumpet, trombone, euphonium, bamboo flute, tin whistle, ocarina, and I have fairly remedial piano skills.
[J is for jam or jelly you like]:
Fittingly, with my vast food-ignorance, I don't know the difference between jelly and jam. I guess I like any kind of either, but I tend to stick with plain ol' grape.
[K is for kids?]:
best served with jelly...or is it jam? I do not like dumb kids, or ham; I do not like them, Sam I Am.
[L is for last kiss]:
Steven, when I dropped him off at the airport last night.
[M is for mother's job]:
She's like Chandler. She's been at her job for 25 years, but I don't know exactly what she does. She works for an accounting firm. She started there as a "bookkeeper," but I think she is actually called an accountant now even though she never went to college. She does payroll for thousands of people every week, and she does people's taxes too. She is the unofficial world record holder for speed on the 10-key adding machine. I've never seen someone's fingers move so fast.
[N is for name of your crush]:
I don't have a crush, I have a husband.
[O is for overnight hospital stays]:
Not since the "mystery stay" when I was an infant. I was rushed to the hospital with some strange lump in my chest; I was magically cured overnight; and no one knows exactly what happened or what was wrong in the first place. According to mom, this is due to her faith and prayer. According to me, it's because I'm a superhero.
[P is for phobias]:
Dumfukophobia -- The fear of Republicanism.
[Q is for quotes you like]:
I could create an entire blog dedicated to quotes I like. I live my life in movie and television quotes. You never know when I'm speaking original dialogue or just quoting one of my hundreds of favorite movies or shows.
The following are a couple of my own classic, original TM quotes:
"I just want to crawl into your uterus. Doesn't that sound like fun?" (probably best not to ask where that came from or what it means...)
or
"It hurts in the chestal region!"
or
"No, the carpet does not match the drapes. It's hardwood flooring...with a small area rug."
or
"She's like Gage from Pet Sematary, only less throat-bitey."
[R is for relationship that lasted the longest]:
It still stands at just under 4 years with Melinda, but we're hoping that Steven is around longer, 2 years to go to break the record!!!
[S is for songs you like to sing at the holidays]:
Any traditional Xmas song that can be Arethified or PattiLaBellified by making it unusually loud and belty. That makes me happy, like Mariah's version of "O Holy Night." Also, anything secular.
[T is for time you wake up]:
On school days, between 7 and 7:30. Every other day, whenever I want.
[U is for underwear]:
Usually briefs, bikinis, or thongs.
[V is for vegetable you love]:
I don't love any vegetables, I like all of them except for hot and spicy ones, like jalapeños and those evil, goddamned radishes.
[W is for worst habit]:
Ummm...I don't think I have any bad habits. Wait, does making small children cry count?
[X is for x-rays you've had]:
Many, many, many. Mostly from after each car accident, but also when I fell off a cliff and the requisite dental x-rays to ensure proper tooth-healthage.
[Y is for yummy food you make]:
toast
[Z is for zodiac sign]:
Scorpio

69 - Stream of Unconsciousness

This is my 69th post.

It's a magical number.

I eternally hate the Backstreet Boys because they used the word "tragical" in a song.

Guess what, assheads, "tragical" is absolutely not a word!!!

Good times = sitting at Panera with 4 other nerds that I love more'n my luggage and having a conversation about how dumb stupid-idiot Americans are in their completely ignant misuse of the English language.

Then I flang some poo.

Speaking of poo:
Even better times = conversation with same said 4 nerds shifting from grammatical errors to ice cream to coffee ice cream to coffee colonics, finally ending up talking about having a colon-cleansing party for my birthday peppered with talk of sex and no one getting offended.

Speaking of offensive, here's my Amazing Race update for the week of 8.Nov.2005:
I hate the Weavers. They are assholes, not to mention more annoying than wearing a thong with a raging case of hemorrhoids. They are the most ignorant, closed-minded, hypocritical fuckwads to grace my television screen since I accidentally allowed a Special Report by W to air for more than 5 seconds without changing the channel. They claim to be a "good Christian family" who were crying about being "all alone" in the race because none of the other teams like them and everyone is mean to them. They also complained about how awful another team was because they cussed. Meanwhile, they are horrible, racist, prejudiced people who make fun of EVERYONE; they have derogatory nicknames for every other team; they laughed at and made fun of Spanish speaking cab drivers when they were in FUCKING PANAMA!!! because the driver didn't speak English; yet they think they are better than everyone else because they don't cuss. I wish I could meet them so I could walk up to each one of them, say, "Fuck you!" and then summarily kick each one of them in the head.

Now pardon me for a moment while I let my rage simmer down to a rolling boil.

Poetic justice = the Weavers, with their black hearts and their rotten souls, having to repeatedly compete in tasks at racetracks when they recently lost Mr. Weaver in a tragic accident at a racetrack not long before joining the Amazing Race.

And finally, speaking of self-serving:
There are just 8 shopping days left until my birthday!

Tentative birthday plans:
Friday, 18.Nov.2005, dinner at Friendly's on I-Drive near Pointe Orlando.
Friday, 18.Nov.2005, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire at the Pointe Orlando IMAX.
Saturday, 19.Nov.2005, brunch at Aunt Catfish's.

Everyone who reads this is welcome -- nay, highly encouraged to join in. Let me know if you'd like to participate, or if there are any conflicts. E-mail to follow.

And Now For Something Entirely Different

That's it.

Just one completely random picture from Halloween.

Me and Steven as Anna Nicole Smith before and after TrimSpa and Jeffrey Lurie as Edna from The Incredibles. He made that head all by himself, isn't that awesome?

Of course, anyone who reads this knows that already, but maybe this will satisfy Mattress until I am able to post something more substantial.

Australian Idol

This post is dedicated to my new discovery of the musical wonder and genius of Adam Lopez.
Feel free to check out his website: Adam Lopez
Adam Lopez is an Australian wonder, who currently holds the Guinness Book World Record for the highest note recorded by a male voice.
The female record holder, predictably and certainly deservedly, is Mariah Carey.
Please listen to the snippet of Adam Lopez singing Nessun Dorma
The note that he hits at the end of the clip, for those of you who are musically inclined, is the E-flat above quadruple-high C, which is the very highest note on the standard 88-key piano. IN-freakin'-SANE!!!
A man who's voice can go off the piano!
I have a brand new hero.
He is also working on landing his second Guinness Book Record for the widest vocal range, because his complete 7+ octaves are unmatched by anyone else in the world, with his lowest recorded note being the B-flat below "deep C," which is 2 octaves below middle-C on the standard 88-key piano.

I was so proud of my once 5½ octaves that have, as of late, been reduced to a mere 4 octaves. That's just pitiful compared to this guy. Now I have something to strive for. I am going to remaster my once plentiful whistle-tone register.

Okay. I'm done for now. But just a reminder:
There are only 32 shopping days left until my birthday, and Adam Lopez's CD "Popera" would be a wonderful selection in your online shopping.

Twosday Quiz on Monday

Sorry for you Quiz-haters.
Here's another one:

2x2

Two Names You Go By
1. Todd-Michael
2. Todd (by people who don't respect my wishes)
Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Polish/German from Mom
2. Irish/Heinz 57 from Dad
(how am I not an alcoholic?)
Two Things That Scare You
1. Republicanism
2. The direction this country is heading.
Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Cell phone
2. Contact Lenses
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Khaki cargo shorts
2. Green shirt
(the basic staple of my wardrobe)
Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. My new idol, Adam Lopez
2. The Ten Tenors
Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Monogamy
2. Honesty
(good thing I have those things now)
Two Truths
1. I have to battle my own mind every day, and more often than I recently thought, regarding my appearance.
2. I am uncomfortable sharing my truths with others.
Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Nice smile.
2. Shorter-than-me-ness.
Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Singing.
2. Reading.
Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. Smart Car.
2. More Money.
Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Kenya.
2. Iceland.
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Release a successful album of my own music.
2. Write, produce, and act in the screenplay that's been floating around in my head for a couple of years now.
Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. I have difficulty expressing my feelings.
2. I don't cook or clean without a Congressional directive.
Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
If I normally wouldn't admit it, why would I start now?
Actually, while I don't intentionally hold anything back, I also don't freely volunteer information, so if there's something that you want to know, you'll just have to ask!

Uh-oh! Hotdog!

QUIZ QUIZ QUIZ QUIZ

Quiz alert!!!

I am completely avoiding my own creativity by answering someone else's questions instead.

Thanks, Alyson, for enabling my laziness!

What-were-you-like-in-high-school Quiz

1. What high school did you go to?

Rockville High School, Vernon, Connecticut.

2. What year did you graduate?

1995.

3. What were your favorite band (choose one) or artist(s):

Mariah Carey (still is).

4. What was your favorite outfit?

I think I had more horizontally striped shirts, polos, and T's than the combined total of every other human being on the planet. If it was striped, I wore it. And pleat-rolled blue jeans. Remember pleat-rolling? That was hot.

5. What was up with your hair?

Natural, blond, and longish, with the surfer's-wave-left-handed part. People always called me "Malibu Ken" or "Flock of Seagulls."

6. Who were your best friend(s) at your hs?

Curtis Thompson throughout all 4 years; Alexis Alexander and Jen Kingsdorf were my freshman-year senior-friends; Kate Woods, Liz Pomper, Pam Smith, Renee Butler, Kimmy Godfrey, and Melissa Dombek until they all graduated my junior year; Melinda Melendez my senior year. (When I look at it that way, it looks like I actually had friends, but overall I promise that I didn't...in other words, with the exception of Melinda, they were my best friends, but I was not theirs.)

7. What did you do after school?

I was in essentially every possible after-school club: Service Club, Spanish Club, Environmental Action Group, and Amnesty International among many others, then I would go home and watch my favorite TV shows and movies and be alone while everyone else was having fun and hanging out with live human beings. (Also I was in every band with frequent after school and evening rehearsals, I did a few plays, and I would hit the ice to train for my figure skating.)

8. Where did you work?

I had a paper route until I was 14 (sophomore year), but my first real job was at Tasty Chick when I was 16, then I worked at the Christmas Tree Shoppes until I graduated and moved to Florida.

9. Did you take the bus?

I quit riding the bus in 8th grade because I was picked on so much by the other kids, so I would walk 5 miles home from the middle school every day, but it was cut down to only 2 miles in high school, and because I was so young I didn't get my driver's license until 3 weeks before graduation.

10. Who did you have a crush on?

No one in high school, except I guess for Melinda, but she and I actually dated...gay-what?

11. Who did you date in hs?

Heather Robertson in 10th grade, then Melinda my senior year and through college.

12. Did you fight with your parents?

In public? Never. Behind the closed doors of our house? CONSTANTLY, every day.

13. Did you ever get detention?

No. I was the teachers' pet.

14. Favorite Subject?

Band.

15. Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?

Mariah Carey.

16. My Grades were:

Perfect, until the end of senior year when I randomly stopped caring.

17. Did you smoke cigarettes?

NO!!! I never have and I never will; it's the most vile, disgusting thing that any human being can do, besides being a Republican.

18. Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day?

No, the backpack was only for lugging the books home. Instead, I carried them in a precariously balanced pile in my arms like a nerd just asking for someone to knock them out of my hands.

19. Did you have a clique?

Can one person be called a clique? Otherwise, I had an "Acquaintance Clique" of people who would eat lunch with me, but never hang out with me after school.

20. Where was your Senior Prom at?

I have no idea. I didn't go.

21. Did you have a Max like "Saved by the Bell"?

No. There was no one that cool, or wannabe-cool.

22. Admit it, were you popular?

Well, I was popular in the way that everyone knew me, but since no one liked me I'd have to say no. Unless you consider the fact that I was the one that everyone loved to hate.

23. Who did you want to be just like?

A specific person in my school? Absolutely no one. I just wish I had the guts to be myself, the real me.

24. What did you want to be when you grew up?

A singer. (I still do.)

25. What was the color of your yearbook?

Some blue-y color, I think it was supposed to look like rippling water (which is funny because my high school was on top of a mountainette) or maybe blue marble...and it was called "Right Here, Right Now" because Jesus Jones, or EMF, or whoever the hell it was that sang that song was just so cool...and I hope you can feel my sarcasm.

26. What were the colors of your school?

Blue and Gold, just like Alyson's.

27. What was your school mascot?

The Rams.

28. Did you have a teacher that you thought was hot?

No. There seems to be a distinct lack of hotness coming from my hometown.

If you are still here reading this, thanks for indulging my self-pity-party trip down memory lane.

The Name Game

This is fun!!!
Non-Quiz from Marcie:
1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME (name of first pet + street you grew up on):
Topper George
2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (grand parent of same gender's first name + favorite snack):
Leo Chocolate
3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME (first word you see on your left + favorite restaurant):
September Fazoli
4. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME (first initial + first three letters of your last name):
T. Hay
5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite animal + name of high school mascot):
Dolphin Ram (maybe Dolph Ram for short?)
6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name + city where you were born):
Blank Vernon (I don't have a middle name)
7. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME (name of sibling/parent [opposite sex] + cell phone company you use):
Dotti Sprint
8. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first 3 letters of your last name + last 3 letters of mother's maidenname /+/ first 3 letters of your pet's name or the last you had + first3 letters of the town you live in):
Hayppe Geoorl
9. YOUR DRAG QUEEN NAME (first female pet + your mother's maiden name):
Bandit Schweppe

Truly Uninspired

As I notice that the last post I made was exactly two weeks ago, I ponder the reasons why.
It's not as though I have nothing to say.
I didn't even finish the travelogue of my San Francisco trip, nevermind the fact that I also have taken a trip to Las Vegas since then.
Once someone gets me going on a topic it's hard to shut me up.
Maybe it's because I exhaust my creative energies posting comments on others' blogs?
No, I don't dry up that easily.
I can only assume it's because of the enormity of the changes on the horizon.
I have mentioned to a small handful of people that there are huge things in store for the next year or so, but everything is still in the preliminary planning stages.
What that means is that rather than enlightening anyone -- that is to say, anyone who, on the completely off-hand chance, might actually care -- as to what random vagueness I am talking about, I am totally going to leave it hanging.
I am going to finish the travelogue of my San Fran trip.
I am going to post the travelogue of my Las Vegas trip.
I am going to blog about the "Come Out With Pride" parade in downtown Orlando this past Sunday.
I am going to angrily rave about idiot things that idiot people do.
(Stupid asshole ultra-conservative religious group has placed blame for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and other national tragedies on the fact that Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian...news at 11. Unfortunately, that is a true story, not just me being funny. How fucking ignant is that?)
I am going to otherwise continue to make fun of people, as I so frequently do.

...but not tonight, because I have to study for a Humanities placement test at school.

Okay, lady, I love you, buh-bye!

Three Completely Unrelated Topics

1:
I posted this comment on Mattress's blog.
Sometimes I think I'm funny.
This was one of those occasions.
To set it up, Matty was talking about the new season of the Amazing Race.
The twist they put on this season is that they decided to do it "Family Style."
10 teams of 4 family members compete in a race around the world for $1 million.
The teams of note are:
-This horribly obnoxious family from New York. The children are the absolute epitome of what's wrong with 99.9% of the children in American society in the 21st Century. They are hateful, annoying, and completely disrespectful to their parents, and the parents have exactly ZERO disciplinary skills.
-This totally adorable black family called, of all things, the Blacks. How funny is that? They have two extremely well-behaved precious little children who come from the .1%. I would have totally been rooting for them to win the whole thing, but alas, they were eliminated last night after the first leg of the race.
-Also a family from Central Florida, the Weavers. They lost their father/husband in a tragic accident. They love Jesus. A little too much, if you ask me. Mom Weaver thanks Jesus or praises Jesus literally every time she speaks. She's like the born-again Annelle from Steel Magnolias. As Truvy said: "Maybe she's praying for Drew and Belle. Maybe she's praying for us because we're gossiping. Maybe she's praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose! Who knows! She prays at the drop of a hat these days."

Now I'll share my comment from Matty's blog:
Yeah...that New York family sucks.
I thought it was funny that they got lost in their own hometown.
They are going to be the "Jonathan and Victoria" of this season, which means you know that they won't get eliminated ever, no matter how much everyone hates them and sends them the "lose this race"-vibe.
-I was upset about the black Blacks losing, if not for the cuteness, then at least for the irony of their names.
-The Weavers have a heart-warming story or some junk, yadda yadda yadda, but they drive me crazy because they can't seem to speak one complete sentence without mentioning Jesus. Thanks, Weavers, but I highly doubt that Jesus told the producers to put you on the show, as Mom Weaver suggested.
Could you imagine?:
"Hey, Amazing Race? Yeah, this is Jesus. What? Yeah, I know, thanks. So, I'm super busy right now, what with leaving that single track of footprints in the sand everytime someone experiences a personal tragedy; and of course, there's Whitney and Bobby. They require special attention. Huh? I know! Anyway, there's this family, the Weavers, you got their audition tape, right? Cool. So, hey, if you wouldn't mind...you know, they've gone through a lot lately, so let's get them to race around the world with 9 other families to see if they can pull through with that 10% chance at winning a million dollars, okay? You'll do it? Awesome! Thanks. Take care, and may my dad and I bless you."
*sigh*
Don't even get me started.
I'm hoping they get eliminated next week.
We'll see if they blame THAT on Jesus.

******************************

B:

This is completely hypothetical and in no way is it a school-inspired story.

Okay, so, here's the thing.

It's acceptable, when in a relationship, to color-coordinate.

I even encourage it.

If you and your relation go out and wear outfits/colors that complement each other, it looks nice.

No one wants to see one person wearing black, the other navy blue; one orange, the other purple; one pink, the other orange; etc.

Now here comes the big, ba-dunk-a-dunk, baby-got-back, but:

BUT, it is in no way cute or funny or anything other than annoying and stupid to go around day after day after day after day wearing the exact same clothes.

ESPECIALLY if you are a supposed-heterosexual male (even though everyone, probably including your fianceé, knows that you are queerer than a 3-dollar bill) and said-fianceé dresses you in clothing (probably her own clothing) in a way that makes you look more like identical toddler twins than an affianced couple.

Oh, and by the way, if you are a heterosexual male who insists upon wearing flip-flops with your jeans every single day, you might want to think about removing the glittery toenail polish first.

Just a suggestion from those who care.

Again, this story in no way reflects the lives of Sally Jesse Raphael and Queery McHetero.

Actual names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Not that they would ever see this anyway, but just in case:

You're sweet kids.

Sweet, intelligent kids.

Sweet, intelligent, fun-loving kids.

Sweet, intelligent, fun-loving, clearly gay kids.

And anyone who might take offense at something I say on this blog is retarded.

******************************

Gamma:

This next, and thankfully brief, story totally falls under the category of way-TMI, but I'm curious to know if this happens to anyone else, or what it might mean:

Do you ever get a phone call from someone, and within minutes or even seconds of initial conversation with this person, you absolutely must take a crap?

I don't know what this means, but every time I talk to certain people on the telephone, I always have to go potty. Always. Without fail.

It doesn't happen in person, only on the phone.

There must be some meaning behind this.

I don't have the foggiest idea what it is, but at the very least I know that if I ever have regularity issues, I know who to call!

That's gross, I know, but whatever.

You can't know if you don't ask, right?

This Just In...

Dazed, Nude Man Hospitalized After Mind-Blowing Gillette Mach 3 Experience