Best Commercial Ever

This is by far my favorite, and in my humble opinion, one of the funniest commercials SNL ever made:

Week 2

Quick update:

Workouts and healthier eating are still progressing.
I actually find myself occasionally turning down desserts, and not just eating chocolate because someone (read: myself) put it in front of my face, so that's a good thing.
I missed a couple of days in the gym, though, so I'm not shrinking as quickly I was planning, but as long as it happens, I guess it's okay that it may take a little longer...

Current weight: 230 pounds
Weekly weight loss: -2 pounds
Total weight loss: -6 pounds

Funny as Hell

I borrowed this image from T-shirt Hell
Go there for the funniest, dirtiest, and raunchiest t-shirts you could ever buy!


Oh, and by the way, do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!

1 Week Down, Too Many To Go

The workouts have been going along swimmingly.
I seem to have retained the ability to drop weight pretty quickly, so maybe my metabolism isn't as screwed up from anorexia as I thought. Maybe I'm just getting old.
I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job with eating healthier, too. Of course, I haven't been going to the movies and splurging on movie popcorn and cherry coke as often as I used to either, and that's only been because Steven and I haven't been able to coordinate our schedules.
Anyway, the important thing is to stay in the gym and keep working out, and then I shouldn't have to worry too much about changing my eating habits. Ease up on the junk food, that's all.
I've decided that I'm going to weigh in once a week, and check up on all the other stats once a month. I need to purchase a reliable scale, because right now I'm just taking the average of several measurements on different scales.
Current weight: 232
Weekly weight change: -4 pounds
Total weight change: -4 pounds

A New Day

And no, I'm not Celine Dion.
I finally gained some motivation.
I know that nobody reads this blog, and of course, by "nobody" I mean the 4 people who check in only very occasionally to see if I might have updated my sporadic randomness.
So that being said, I have decided to change the focus of my blog to concentrate on documenting my new motivation: my fitness.
Ever since I met Steven, I put on nearly 50 pounds, took about 20 off, and put another 10 back on. I have touched on my struggles with anorexia in the past, and while I have learned to deal with my problems with food, I have such a negative self-image that it has been affecting every other aspect of my life. I realize that most people wouldn't look at me and say, "Wow. You're fat." I'm tall, and I've always been athletic and muscular, so I can carry extra weight pretty well. It's not even so much the number of my weight that bothers me, it's the fact that with the exception of a few shirts, I have had to completely replace my wardrobe in the last 2 years. I'm tired of being embarrassed about myself. I'm tired of not being as flexible or athletic as I have always been. I'm tired of not feeling attractive, because no matter what you look like, you should be able to find your own beauty and be happy about it. I'm always happy on the outside, so that this is probably news to some people, because I don't believe in burdening other people with my issues.
Anyway, it's time for a change.
I got a membership at Bally Total Fitness, and earlier this past weekend I went through the battery of body composition testing and measuring to determine my starting point and help to focus my goals. I had my resting metabolism rate (RMR) tested, I had my body fat percentage measured, I was weighed, and I had the old tape measure whipped out. The RMR determines how many calories your body will burn in a day at rest with absolutely no activity, which helps to design a diet. My RMR was 2000, which I guess is pretty good for my age and weight, considering how much I screwed up my body with the anorexia all those years ago. So that means, with a vigorous workout schedule and a diet around 1800-2000 calories, I should be able to drop a bunch of weight very quickly. Therein lies the experiment: How quickly can I get back into my size-32 pants? And how quickly can I get my 6-pack back? I will be documenting my progress in this blog. To begin:
Age: 28
Height: 6' 1.5" (187cm)
Starting Weight: 236lb. (107kg)
RMR: 2000
Body Fat: 23.5%
Chest: 46.5" (118cm)
Shoulders: 52.5" (133cm)
Waist: 39.5" (100cm)
Hips: 45" (114cm)
Thigh: 27.5" (70cm)
Calf: 16.5" (42cm)
Bicep: 16" (40.5cm)
Those measurements actually aren't all that bad (and I'm trying to learn metric, so that's what's with all the conversions.) If I could keep all the other numbers the same, but just get the waist back down to 32, I'd be pretty happy. Well, maybe the hips at about 40 (you know I gotta keep my ba-donk-a-donk!!!), and the thigh around 24. I have these hot little board shorts that I kept from a couple of years ago, and I will be ecstatic when I can fit into them again. I'm not sure I feel bold enough to post some before pictures, but it would be really good documentation of my progress, so I'll think about it.
Now, I'm off to the gym!

Quizzilicious!!!

I love this quiz for its randomness!

So, here are some fun questions that I mostly haven't answered yet:
(They mostly come at night...mostly.)

1. What are your siblings' middle names?
_____(blank: my sister doesn't have a middle name, just like me), Arthur, and Patrick.
2. Where is your dad right now?
sleeping, because he has to be at work at 3 a.m., specifically: Vernon, Connecticut.
3. What was the last thing you said?
I am SO glad that Janelle won the Power of Veto. (...and since I'm home alone, I guess I said that to the kitties, but I did actually say it out loud.)
4. What is something you've learned about yourself recently?
I can ride a scooter without falling off. (When I was a kid I tried to ride my uncle's moped, and every time I got to the end of the street and tried to turn around, I fell off.)
5. What color is your watch?
green face, silver band
6. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
my future home
7. When was the last time you squatted to pee?
umm...probably when I was 3 getting potty-trained.
8. Who is the last person you walked with?
If we're talking about walking for exercise's sake, that would be David.
9. Are you close to your mom?
Yes, ma'am.
10. Where does your best friend work?
I guess I don't really have a best friend; so, that would be nowhere.
11. What is your least attractive feature?
A birth defect caused me to only have one pectoral muscle; so, my chest.
12. How old were you when you started wearing a bra?
Are you calling me fat? I got rid of my moobies when I was like 15.
13. Would you rather own a motorcycle or scooter?
I drive a scooter as my primary mode of transportation.
14. Do you have a roommate?
Yup.
15. What color is your bedroom flooring?
Underneath all the clothes and travel memorabilia, I think it's a beigey-tannish color.
16. Do you have a chair in your room?
Ha ha. No. No room.
17. What time of day were you born?
6:26 a.m., at the crack of dawn, or at the crack of Dotti, as it were.
18. Do you know anyone who is engaged?
I don't think so.
19. What's your favorite number(s)?
18
20. Do you know anyone named Laurie?
I actually do! Same spelling and everything. A girl I knew when I went to FSU. She was in the School of Music with me, she married one of my fraternity brothers, and I actually lived with them for a short time before they moved to Philly.
21. What color is your mom's hair?
Whatever color she's been dyeing it lately. Probably reddish-brown. Like mother, like son!
22. Do you have a dog?
Not at the moment. 2 sweet and adorable kitties.
23. Where did you live in 1987?
Vernon, Connecticut. My parents have been living in the same house for 40 years.
24. What happened to you in 1993?
Most significantly, probably performing in the All-New England Music Festival for the first time. It's a prestigious music festival for über-talented, high school student musicians from 6 states to perform in a wind symphony. I had only been playing the tuba for 7 months when I auditioned, and was accepted in. The Blizzard of '93 began on the day of our last concert (in March, by the way) and they cancelled a performance for the first time in the 60+ year history of the festival. Then my dad drove the two other representatives from my hometown home with us through over a foot of snow on the Interstate. Good times.
25. Does your first memory involve your dad?
No. My first memory is of me sitting on the floor in the living room in a diaper reading a Dr. Seuss book to my mom. I was 2.
26. Do you remember singing any songs as kids?
Totally. I used to make tapes with my friends. We would sing and do fake news reports.
27. When was the last time you went swimming?
Two weeks ago. Visiting my brother in Virginia.
28. Has your luggage ever gotten lost?
No.
29. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
Earlier tonight. My brother Tim.
30. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
I went to Camp Newhoca for a couple of summers, then Camp Woodstock for a couple of summers.
31. Do you play an instrument?
Tuba, Soprano/Alto/Tenor/Bari Saxophone, Trumpet, a little Trombone, a little Piano, a little bit of most any wind instrument.
32. Have you ever thought it would be cool to smash a guitar?
No.
33. Do you like fire?
Sure.
34. Where is your best friend from?
See above. I guess I don't have a best friend.
35. Are you allergic to anything?
TM stock answer: Republicans, and other stupid people.
36. When was the last time you cried?
I don't cry. I'm dead on the inside.
37. What kind of shampoo do you use?
urge? ...Urge?!?! (In case you don't remember the commercial: Clairol Herbal Essences)
38. Have you ever been to a spa?
Yup. mmm...spa.
39. Were you popular?
NO!!! (everyone knew me, but no one liked me, so I guess I was popularly unpopular...)
40. Did you take science all four years of high school?
Yup. I'm a nerd.
41. Do you like butterflies?
umm...I don't dislike them, because I love all creatures, but butterflies are boring.
42. What is the last book you read?
I'm on Book 7 of the Chronicles of Narnia, so technically: Book 6, The Silver Chair; or if you count the Chronicles as "1 book," then it was the DaVinci Code.
43. Do you like Coke or Pepsi more?
I prefer the cherry version of either.
44. What is one thing you miss about your past?
Nothing.
45. Did you ever see the school nurse?
Never. I don't ever get sick.
46. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
No. I hate other people's children.
47. What is one thing you've learned about your life recently?
umm...redundant redundancy...This is the same question as #4.
48. Are you jealous of anyone?
No.
49. Is anyone jealous of you?
I couldn't imagine why anyone would be.
50. When was the last time you were in an elevator?
Sometime in June when I stayed at one of Steven's layover hotels with him.

Four Things Quiz

Just posted this on my MySpace:

You probably ALREADY know this stuff about me...
Well, I've done so many quizzes that everyone I know probably already knows all this junk, but just in case:
Things you didn't know about me. For instance, did you know...

Four jobs I've have had in my life:
1. Tasty Chick - Fried chicken restaurant - I worked in the kitchen, made mashed potatoes, broke chicken wings, and washed dishes.
2. Legislative Assistant/Receptionist - The Florida Association of Realtors - It sounds big and fancy but mostly I answered phones, typed dictation, and filed lots of boring papers. My first job after leaving school.
3. Flight Attendant - American Airlines - Such a glamorous lifestyle! There's nothing like commuting 1500 miles each way to work and sleeping on recliners.
4. Character Entertainment - Walt Disney World - I was "friends" with Goofy, Tigger, Baloo, Launchpad McQuack, the Sheriff of Nottingham, and various others.

Four movies I would watch over and over: (and have!!...and still do!!!)
1. Girls Just Want to Have Fun
2. Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful
3. Camp
4. Teen Witch

Four places I have lived:
1. Vernon, CT
2. Tallahassee, FL
3. Dallas, TX (really Irving and Euless and Arlington)
4. Orlando, FL

Four TV shows I love to watch: (I would die without TiVo)
1. All Reality Shows (Survivor, Amazing Race, American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Treasure Hunters, Big Brother)
2. Awesome Animated Shows (Simpsons, Family Guy, Drawn Together, American Dad, South Park)
3. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
4. Days of Our Lives (guilty pleasure)

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Sydney, Australia
2. Panama City, Panama (the country, not the city in Florida)
3. London, England
4. Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Anything Chocolate
2. Veggie Grinders from Subway
3. Egg Salad
4. Fried Mac & Cheese from Cheesecake Factory

Four things I would rather be doing right now:
1. laying on the beach
2. traveling
3. singing
4. swimming

Four things I always carry with me: (I interpret this as things I carry when I travel...)
1. iPod
2. a book
3. Portable DVD Player (or laptop...depending on length of trip)
4. camera

You are tagged. So here it goes... Copy and paste. Delete my answers, replace with your own and post. Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Dirty Love? ...Dirty FUN!!!

Dirty Love written by and starring Jenny McCarthy is freakin' hilarious!
Run, don't walk, to the video store and rent it,
...or run, don't walk, to my house and watch it with me, since halfway through watching it for the first time, I went and bought it.

Reminiscent of The Sweetest Thing, it is chock-full of raunchy humor and female physical comedy, which somehow translates funnier than boring old men doing it.

I ultra-love it! And since I only just generally-love every other movie, that means it's super-radical!

I should be a movie reviewer for Teen People, or Tiger Beat.

That's all I have to say. I have to go back to yucky work now.

Tourgasm Funny

My new favorite word is "swunt."
Robert Kelly (on Dane Cook's Tourgasm) had just finished playing a game of "Dance Dance Revolution" with some college-student freak. He said it gave him sweaty-ass, or "swass." Then he said that sweaty-balls would be called "swalls," and that women get "swunt."

I laughed until I nearly peed. Just the sound of the word "swunt" is enough to get me going again.

Sweaty + cunt = swunt...
...or, Whitney Houston.

Quick, Someone Write This Down!!!

I have this awesome idea for a movie.
So, everyone loves quirky pirates, right?
Of course they do!
My movie involves a band of health-conscious vegan pirates who travel around the world spreading their message of vegetarianism to cannibals and other carnivorous heathens.

It would be called, naturally:

"The Pirates of the Carob Bean"

That sounds fun, doesn't it?

Kelly Ripa is Hilarious

This is easily one of my favorite SNL commercials ever to air:

Perennial Resurrection

...or, Let Me Ax You a Question...

So I'm making yet another attempt at reviving a dead horse. Or am I beating a dead horse? And why does the horse have to be dead? I still have a lot to say, it's just that most of the time I don't feel like actually sitting here and writing it all down.

So here's the thing. As many people will tell you, I may look like a white boy on the outside, but on the inside I'm all Patti LaBelle. That being said, I'm not current on my Ebonics. Now here's where the mini-stream of consciousness comes in:

I'm sitting in my vehicle listening to BKLYN the musical. There's a character named "Paradice" (that's P-a-arra-a, d-i-C-e, because I was born with nothin' but a pair o' dice around my neck), who sings a song called "Super Lover."
A couple of lines from the song go:
And some say this girl ain't up to the task.
Why don't you do yourself a favor and ask the Lone Ranger while I sit on his mask.
(I know, it's stupid, especially out of context...)
Anyway, Paradice is basically the female-Broadway-character version of Shirley Q. Liquor. So then I began to think, "How would Shirley Q. Liquor say that?" or, "WWSQLD?"
She would say:
And some say this girl ain't up to the taks.
Why don't you do yourself a favor and aks the Lone Ranger while I sit on his maks.
Aside from finding that terribly hilarious, I began to wonder why don't people talk like that?
Whether you're just ignant or you have a speech impediment, if you say ax instead of ask, or excape instead of escape, why wouldn't you say tax or max or bax or flax instead of task or mask or bask or flask. Or is it just that people who say ax would never use words like task or bask or flask? Inquiring minds want to know...

On another note: Has everyone seen the commercial for that product called "Head On"? This commercial makes me angry in ways I can't even describe. It cost exactly $1.95 to make. All it is, is a woman standing in front of a green grid background holding a stick on her forehead. The dialogue of the commercial goes like this:
HEAD ON! Apply directly to the forehead!HEAD ON!Apply-directly-to-the-forehead!HEADON!Applydirectlytotheforehead!

Yes, that's correct. Just 7 words repeated quickly three times in an obvious and completely unedited loop. Aside from the wretched quality of the audio, there is absolutely no indication as to what the product is for or what it does. Just get this stick, and apply it directly to the forehead! Duh! Everyone is doing it! Forehead Stick! Get it!
I suppose one could assume that Forehead Stick is in some way supposed to alleviate headaches. But, if the quality of the commercial indicates the quality of the product, I think that I would rather stab my own brain through my nose with a knitting needle than to try that crap.

Kamikaze Subject Change:
Come watch me sing at the Orlando Gay Chorus concert this weekend!
For details and info check the website at Orlando Gay Chorus
or contact me.

Priscilla

Which Priscilla drag queen are you?




You're Cynthia!

Take the Which Priscilla Queen of the Desert Drag Queen Are You? Quiz
Also try my other quizzes.

Movie Quiz

158 out of 200...I'm awesome!!! (...or I have no life...)

I defy anyone that I know to do this list and have a higher number than me...I don't think it's possible...I also added 9 must-see films to make it an even 200.

This doesn't even scratch the surface...I could ADD about 500 movies to this list that I've seen, and I physically OWN more than 150 OTHER movies that aren't even on this list...

---------------------------------------------------
"THEY" say that if you've seen over 80 movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 191 movies (now there are 200...) on this list. Put your score in header and repost:

(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
(X)The Mexican
(X) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Airplane
Total: 8 of 10

(X)The Princess Bride
(X)AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(X)Napoleon Dynamite
(X)Labyrinth
(X) Saw
(X) Saw II
(X) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
(X) 50 First Dates
Total: 8 of 10

(X) Scream
(X) Scream 2
(X) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(X) Scary Movie 2
(X) Scary Movie 3
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total: 8 of 10

(X) Harry Potter
(X) Harry Potter 2
(X) Harry Potter 3
(X) Harry Potter 4
(X) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(X) The Village
(X) Lilo & Stitch.
( ) Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch has a Glitch
Total: 8 of 11

(X) WiseGirls
(X) Mean Girls
(X) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
(X) Signs
(X) The Grinch
(X) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(X) White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
(X) 13 Going on 30
(X) I, Robot
Total: 10 of 11

(X) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(X) Universal Soldier
(X) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came Polly
(X) Deep Impact
(X) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
Total: 9 of 11

(X) Ever After: A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(X) Final Destination
(X) Final Destination 2
(X) Final destination 3
(X) Halloween
(X) The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
Total: 9 of 12

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(X) Chicago
(X) Ghost Ship
(X) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
(X) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Hot Chick
Total: 5 of 10

(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
(X) Seed of Chucky
(X) Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Just Married
(X) Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
Total: 9 of 11

( ) Bad Boys 2
(X) Joy Ride
(X) Se7en
(X) Ocean's Eleven
(X) Ocean's Twelve
(X) Identity
( ) Lone Star State Of Mind
(X) Bedazzled
(X) Predator I
(X) Predator II
Total: 8 of 10

(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
(X) A Bronx Tale
(X) Darkness Falls
(X) Christine
(X) ET
(X) Children of the Corn
( ) My Boss' daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
(X) Frailty
Total: 9 of 10

(X) My Best Friend's Wedding
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(X) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(X) Mars Attacks
(X) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Forrest Gump
(X) Big Trouble in Little China
Total: 8 of 10

(X) X-Men
(X) X2
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
(X) Sky High
(X) Jeepers Creepers
(X) Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Others
(X) Freaky Friday(original)
(X) Reign of Fire
(X) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) Cruel Intentions 3
Total: 12 of 14

(X) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
(X) Old School
(X) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(X) Walk to Remember
(X) Boogeyman
Total: 9 of 10

( ) Hitch
(X) The Fifth Element
(X) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(X) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(X) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi
(X) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
Total: 8 of 10

(X) Air Force One
( ) For Richer or Poorer
(X) Trainspotting
( ) Blue Velvet
(X) Sound of Music
(X) Parent Trap
(X) Parent Trap Re-make
(X) The Birds
(X) The Terminator
(X) Terminator-2
(X) T-3
Total: 9 of 11

(X) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
(X) Meet Joe Black
(X) Nightmare Before Christmas
(X) The Silence of the Lambs
(X) Sleepy Hollow
(X) I Heart Huckabees
( ) 24 Hour Party People
( ) Blood In Blood Out
(X) People Under the Stairs
Total: 7 of 10

(X) Thirteen
( ) Manic
( ) American History X
(X) Deep Blue Sea
(X) George of the Jungle
( ) Canadian Bacon
(X) Gone with the Wind
( ) How High
(X) The Jacket
( ) My litte pony
Total: 5 of 10

TM's picks:
(X) Girls Just Want To Have Fun
(X) Medusa: Dare To Be Truthful
(X) Teen Witch
(X) Better Off Dead
(X) One Crazy Summer
(X) Showgirls
(X) Glitter
(X) Camp
(X) Soapdish
Total: 9 of 9

Musical Quiz

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:

ARTIST: Mariah Carey

1.) Are you male or female? Loverboy

2.) How would you describe yourself? Anytime You Need a Friend

3.) What do people think of you? I Wish You Knew

4.) How do you feel about yourself? Reflections (Care Enough)

5.) What do you think of your ex? I Am Free

6.) What's your current love situation? The Beautiful Ones

7.) How do people describe you? You're So Cold

8.) What do you want to be? The One

9.) How do you live? Lead The Way

10.) How do you love? My All

11.) Any words of wisdom? Make It Happen